Keeping the blogosphere posted on the goings on of the world of submarines since late 2004... and mocking and belittling general foolishness wherever it may be found. Idaho's first and foremost submarine blog. (If you don't like something on this blog, please E-mail me; don't call me at home.)

Friday, August 15, 2008

♪♪♪ "Boys In The Band Ordered Boat Pranks" ♪♪♪

I went to the doctor today, and he told me he had to use Silver Nitrate on my skin as part of the procedure. As frequently happens, the mention of an innocuous phrase used during normal life starts me thinking about Life On The Boat. In this case, it got me thinking about dangerous pranks submariners play on one another.

I frequently had to chew out nukes who thought it was "funny" to take some Silver Nitrate into Berthing and let a couple of drops run down the side of the face of some sleeping shipmate; as you know, it leaves what looks like a teardrop trail. (Of course, this prank actually was funny -- as long as it didn't get in anyone's eyes -- but as the CRA and Eng I couldn't be seen as encouraging it.)

The same thing with "pinning" someone in their rack (propping open the bedpan with the guy sound asleep in his bed) -- sure, it's humorous to see the guy yelling about how he's going to get the perpetrators when he's completely helpless, but what if there's a fire? Or EB-Greening someone upside down to a ladder?

For the weekend "midwatch shoot-the-sh*t", what are your favorite submarine pranks? They don't even have to be dangerous to anyone -- even though the best ones frequently are.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can say that again.


8/15/2008 2:16 PM

Blogger Bubblehead said...

RM1/SS was commenting on a posting issue I had where the post only said "Boy" in the title and nothing else for a few minutes. I was trying to add the musical notes, and ended up hitting "Enter" too many times. My bad.

8/15/2008 2:25 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

And you thought no one was looking.


8/15/2008 2:38 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

New construction on the USS Michigan (SSBN 727), We Agangers were down in our cage which was next door to the Missile Techs cage. A 3rd Class MT was bad mouthing us and we taped him upside down from the overhead. I got a call to see the COB to come and see him. The COB asked me if we had someone taped up in the cage and I claimed ignorance. He said that doing that stuff now-a-days was considered hazing and that I was to go and inspect the cage because he would be down in 15 minutes. We hustled and got the MT down but it was funny.
On my first boat, we actually got our DCA’s thumbs in the vice for the “Thumb Strength Tightness Test” down in Machinery One. The word spread fast and the Eng came down, shook his head, called the DCA a dumb s@*t and walked out. About three minutes later the CO came in laughed and told us to let him go. That was one mad DCA. There are pictures out there somewhere.

That Damn Good Looking Aganger From Iowa

8/15/2008 2:39 PM

Blogger Bubblehead said...

Speaking of Damage Control Assistants, how about the prank of sending a NUB up to Control when he's on watch to "Request Permission to blow the DCA"?

8/15/2008 2:45 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

All the best ones were on the EM Log

8/15/2008 2:57 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Damn Good Looking Aganger From Iowa, I was a JO in the early 90s and recall that our DCA was an absolute nimrod and fell for the same prank.

We would "borrow" some cigarettes from a smoker and let them soak in the O2 bleed and then quietly return them

8/15/2008 3:14 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two classics that come to mind:

Calling a LL watch to the voice tube and sending down a cup of water

Coating the EOOW's 2JV earpiece with Neolube

My personal favorite was to see if I could switch the Maneuvering MC box over to the 7MC circuit without the EOOW noticing.

8/15/2008 3:19 PM

Blogger cheezstake said...

Two stories...

On the Michigan (SSBN 727) in the late 90s, I had just qualified ERS, but my L1 wouldn't let me stand the watch until I lockwired an E-div'er in his rack. So, not be called a wuss, I grabbed some wire and a pair of lockwire pliers and commenced to lockwire the curtain together. I made it about halfway down when a senior 1st class found me in the bunkroom. I paid dearly the next field day when I was "vacuum dragged" into their bunkroom and found myself under 800 lbs of E-div'ers!

Fast forward to the Seawolf at EB. The MLCPO was a very bright man and had about 5 travel mugs on board. I learned very quickly where the boys were hiding them. Each day they would grab his mug and replaceit with one that had been fermenting in the ERLL for days. Not being a "true" Chief, he took cream and sugar in his coffee. He made a face that was an instant Kodak moment... not once.. not twice... but at least three times a week.

Like I said, he wasn't very bright.

8/15/2008 4:17 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

We had a 3rd class middie rider who was a $h!t talker. During some torpedo firing exercises he was sent aft to obtain a water slug. The OOD called the EOOW. We in maneuvering sent him to ERLL with a 10 gallon green poly bag to get 8 gallons of water from the evaporator. He was then sent to AMR2LL with the slug to have its water quality tested. Back up to maneuvering to have the EOOW sign it. Back to Control to have the OOD sign it, then down to the torpedo room. He loaded it into #1 tube. All through the boat with 60+ pounds of water in a plastic bag and not one drop of water spilt. The CO made his way down to the torpedo room to inform this middie that he would never become a submarine officer and to consider another career.

Myself and some fellow EMs were changing brushes on the stbd MG set and doing the monthly PMs. As a nub, and about to take over as RPPO, I was sent to the find an SK and get some 'relative bearing grease' to complete the PM. About two hours later the bull nuke (EDPO that duty day) found me in crew's mess getting a checkout from the Below Deck watch and asked me why I wasn't helping with the PM on the MG set. After explaining what my shipmates had me do he smiled and told me that if they got mad at me to go talk to him.


8/15/2008 4:18 PM

Blogger reddog said...

We were on a deployment, with a long, slow, outbound and inbound transit and a lengthly period, on station in the middle. Me and my Chief were port and starboard outbound. He was a real chickenshit and always trying to evangelize me.

Once on station, our watch kinda went on standby, so the chief could handle it from the goat locker shitter. He sold me down the river to messcook for the duration.No Problem.

On the way home, one of our supernumiaries, his job finished, was freed up and we could have had three sections.

I told the XO I'd volunteer for another 30 days messcooking, so that the helmsmen/planesmen could have another guy in their rotation. He thanked me profusely. I even got some bullshit professional development award from the Admiral after the cruise.

Me and that Chief were never friends after that and I spent a lot more time messcooking. Totally worth it.

8/15/2008 4:44 PM

Blogger Budd said...

That's funny, we had a guy get masted recently for putting Silver Nitrate into a guy's shoes. The recipient's feet turned black and Doc thought we might have to HUMEVAC him.

8/15/2008 5:23 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was at a major university with a bunch of nuclear engineering guys when a bunch of Marines showed up and started talking smack.

The Chief just smiled and he invited them to stop by in the morning (just before the marines departed) for some 'real Navy' coffee instead of pansy stuff they made in the commissary.

After the Marines had left for the airport, he explained that he had wiped the inside of each cup with a bit of special grease that was guaranteed to give them the squirts in 30 minutes, which should be about halfway to the airport in the middle of the LA freeway system at morning rush hour.

8/15/2008 6:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

One Saturday duty day, we were tasked with polishing the brightwork in Control. The Weps, who was the Duty Officer that day, decided he needed to *supervise* our efforts with wisecracks and helpful advice. It was then discovered that fish and railroad tracks were tarnished and the rest was history.

Does Nevr-Dull wash out of wash khaki?

I also knew a QM that liked to rub shoe polish on the scope eyepiece.

8/15/2008 7:08 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

One Saturday duty day, we were tasked with polishing the brightwork in Control. The Weps, who was the Duty Officer that day, decided he needed to *supervise* our efforts with wisecracks and helpful advice. It was then discovered that his fish and railroad tracks were tarnished and the rest was history.

Does Nevr-Dull wash out of wash khaki?

I also knew a QM that liked to rub shoe polish on the scope eyepiece.

8/15/2008 7:09 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every time we got a new batch of nubs on board, you could count on at least one nub running up and down the FCML passageway with a trash bag during their first nuke drill, collecting a portable air sample.

My first boat also had voice tubes. The "watering the LL watch" prank wasn't so funny from the LL side of things, but I liked it a lot more when I was in UL.

8/15/2008 9:01 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

We had a Radioman nub get told to go get the serial number off the water slug that had just been fired. So he goes down to the torpedo room and the TMOW tells him that he doesn't have it, it was fired out of the AFT tubes and to go talk to manuevering. So he walks into manuevering and asks about it. We all just stared at him blankly.

8/15/2008 9:12 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A smack talking middie had TDU weights added under his mattress, 1 or 2 at a time over the course of his tour. On the last day one of the crew who knew found him packing his sea bag, sent him to the ward room for the debrief and offered to finish packing for him. Is there any real use for TDU weights at Canoe U?

8/15/2008 9:21 PM

Blogger Subvet said...

On my first boat the WEPS had OOD during field day. He was so focused on talking to the QMOW he never noticed as the AEF removed the Captains chair from the conn, handed it to me and I walked out of Control with the sucker.

When the CO found out he informed the WEPS he was not to be relieved until the chair appeared. That took a few hours.

That WEPS had zippo sense of humor when the AUX FWD tried the same trick on him a few weeks later. The hell of it was that it almost worked the second time!

8/15/2008 9:22 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Howizit that no one ever pulled a prank on Rickover? Talk about a sea story to beat all sea stories...and no one ever managed to mess with *the* Admiral?

8/15/2008 9:55 PM

Blogger FT2(ss) said...

So many little pranks its hard to remember what was the best one. Though some of the more memorable ones where on out NavDiv LPO at the time.

Someone, not me I swear I had nothing to do with it, decided to sew chief anchors on his poopysuit. This was a few days before the results came in and he was really starting to get nervous. So he wakes up, gets dressed stumbles to get his coffee and heads up to releave the dive (who happens to be the COB). Lets just say ive never seen someone run out of control faster when the COB said "Little out of uniform arent you?". His division also lockwired the zippers together on his poopysuit that underway.

I wirewrapped someones shoes to the san 2 blow station, still rather proud of that one.

Though I think my pranks were more fun when i was on med hold in the refit facility.

Our poor LPO in that shop just got so much abuse, but he dished it out to us just as much. As he is on the phone with one of the civilian contractors about something, one of us decided to take a can of compressed air and turn it upside down and spray the liquid right into his side pocket. he flies out of his chair and screams ever vulgarity you can think of at us while still on the phone. He spent the next 10 minutes apologizing to the poor lady on the phone.

On his birthday he wound up taped to his computer chair. And let me say for a scrawny little guy he sure was strong. After 10 minutes of struggling we finally get him firmly secured to his chair. Put a note on him and pushed him down the hall. 20 minutes later our Chief walks in and tells us that out LPO was in the parking lot by the dumpster and that someone should go give him his cover since he was outside without one.

8/15/2008 11:03 PM

Blogger beebs said...

"Pull a prank on Rickover..."

TINS, I understand that a prospective nuke was told to make him mad, so the middie broke his Nautilus model on his desk.

8/15/2008 11:35 PM

Blogger Unknown said...

I think the Nautilus breakage was by a PCO while the other two PCOs that went in his office before were in the closet b/c they could'nt piss off Rickover.

We had a junior sonarman that was real cocky and had an inflated self image. One off watch, while he was in the rack, we removed his crows from his poopysuit and sewed them on upside down. He walked around that way for a couple days before the FTC caught it and chewed his @$$.

Later on the same patrol we Gorilla Glued washers to the bottom of his shoes, he was pretty pissed the next watch.

When the same guy was a NUB he was sent all over the boat looking for the EM log.

We got a couple NUBs with the relative bearing grease for the BQH-1, but one of my favorites was sending them for the Water Slug Serial Number. We even had a fictitious serial number log sheet that we would print up.

Upon diving the boat we would tell the fresh NUB that he had a phone call in Nav Center. That one had about a 50% rate of success.

We had a radioman report to the boat who was just a complete idiot, dumbest guy I ever met. During a check out with the Nukes on the Mid Watch, they had him dress up in the yellow suit and report to the OOD "The Engineering Officer of the watch sends his respects..... I like to eat Bananas, eat eat bananas" While doing a "banana dance". The OOD got it on video and it was all over the ships lan for a few patrols to come.

8/16/2008 8:50 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A fellow E-divver in ~1990 thought himself the perfect male specimen. We went on a two month op, so I decided to help him with his physique. About every other watch I'd sneak to his rack, and while he was sleeping, cut an 1/8th to a quarter inch off of his Navy issued uniform belt. After about a week you could tell he was uncomfortable, a few days later, he was wearing his poopie suit with the belt tied off to the side proclaiming, "I don't understand it, I'm not gaining any weight."

Had a brand new striker mess cranking about three days into his first underway. I called from maneuvering and requested that he bring us back some milkshakes (ice cream in coffee mugs). A few minutes later a fresh faced, not a day over, 18 year old shows up to maneuvering as requested. He comes in and is looking around, so we start typical navy bs'ing. After a couple of minutes I asked him, "So, ya had sex yet?" There was much blustering, bravado, and regaling of his scores. After a little of that, I asked, "No, I mean since we've been underway?" If only we'd had a video camera in maneuvering! 8-)

Had an academy grad EOOW, with an MS in nuke engineering from U of Mich, that was the world's biggest arse - especially to the cooks and cranks. He literally treated them like house boys. It was so bad that I witnessed those guys pi$$ on his sloppy joes, drag his steaks across the floor, spit in his mashed potatoes. I actually felt sorry for the guy. We prussian blued the 2JV handset in maneuvering just for him. He sat there for a few hours before the Bull Nuke told him. This guy was so paranoid about his fellow O-gangers seeing like that, that he got the EWS to relieve him in maneuvering. About 15 minutes later he reappears holding a chem wipe to his ear. When he pulled it down, his entire ear was a bloody pulp. The guy had taken a greenie and literally scrubbed the first few layers of skin from his ear. Ouch!

The lead ELT used to wait at the bottom of the Ops hatch when a new guy was reporting onboard. When the guy was coming down the ladder and got within arms reach, the ELT would reach up and grab a handful. Depending on how the guy reacted pretty much dictated how much he got messed with from that point forward.

8/16/2008 9:12 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey BH, BZ for the Jimmy Buffett reference...

8/16/2008 9:56 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heh... yeah, anything with a megger. We knew the resistance of every guy back aft and plenty of the coners.

When we knew there was going to be a "wake-up" drill before field day I would snatch my victim's poopie suit and sew the bottom of the legs and arm cuffs shut. In the haze of being riled out of the rack and the alarms going off, it usually took about five minutes before the victim realized he had been had, and plenty staggered to their battle station with their poopie shit jammed in their shoes and hands sticking out of the slit between the button cuff and the sleeve.

But the worst was when I was a Middie...

We had a shit-talker from Canoe U that was getting the TDU weight-in-the-rack treatment already. About the time we are getting ready to leave I see him in the p-way and comment something about "being packed already?", he says that he has to see the Doc about some paperwork, but some of the guys were nice enough to finish packing his seabag. Spidey sense tingles and I hightail it to berthing to see if I can help. Sure enough there is a concerted effort to make sure that USNA has an adequate supply of TDU weights for the coming academic year. The LELT asks if I would like to make a contribution, and that's when genius strikes. We provide my addition, lockwire the seabag shut, and send it topside.

I never did miss that sock.


8/16/2008 10:21 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meggering..... Myself and the two other throttlemen were 3 for 2 hotracking with one of the racks being the starboard, forward, upper, outboard in the 22-man (637 class). Right under the passageway door to crew's showers. The OPSML passageway was finished with a blue, rubbery, electrically-insulating material with a metal non-skid plate right in front of the shower door. The bolts that secured the plate come down into our rack. One duty day I drilled out the bolt holes, put in rubber grommets and washers, and resecured the plate. We kept a megger in our rack and with the help of a nuke lookout would give a little zap to various coners as they would go take a shower.

8/16/2008 12:23 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Legend of Fat Freddy

Mind games were some of the best and worst of all jokes. We had a new TM2 report on board the Guitarro and discovered he was afraid of ghosts. Fat Freddy was the mythical ship yard worker, we created, who died on board when the Guitarro sunk at the pier in Vallejo during construction. He was said to be working in the bilge in the torpedo room when the boat sunk and due to his girth he was unable to escape. We played this up for weeks until one day we used a cassette recorder to put a few minutes of silence on the tape followed by spooky ghost sounds. The cassette player was started and lowered into the bilge just before the TM2 was to come in to start his shift. The senior TM told him to check a valve position directly over the bilge and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Just as he stepped on the grate over the bilge the spooky sounds started coming from the bilge area. I have never seen anyone jump so high move so quickly or be so scared out of his wits before or since. The retelling of the story kept everyone entertained for weeks.

8/16/2008 12:44 PM

Blogger ironmal said...

We had Middies on the Stony J and all told us they were simply destined to be pilots... and they would probably never be on a submarine again. It was truly beneath their dignity. This was 1983.

I brought 5 of them to the missile compartment and we all stood around the launcher control panel. Just then we heard an announcement on the 1MC "surface without air". The experienced launcher operator (1st class MT) quickly broke out EAB's and handed them to me and his security guard. The 4th EAB he threw on the floor at the feet of the Middies and he yelled "Put that on for God sakes You don't want to die!!! We are surfacing without AIR!".

So 4 of those Middies started wrestling and then fist fighting for that mask and the 5th who was not as manly started yelling "I out rank all of you I order you to give me that breathing mask! That's a direct order!". The 3 Enlisted guys absolutely exploded laughing and they were falling on the deck in tears...

8/17/2008 12:20 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Had an XO who's self-image kind of got on everyone's nerves from time to time. CO used to like to have some fun with him. XO was a big guy, so one night the CO has the smallest JO in the wardroom (and one of the XO's most frequent targets) bring him a poopie suit. CO swaps out XO's poopie with tiny JO's poopie, then has the COW call away a light smoke at around 0100 (all the controlling stations were given a 15 minute heads-up). We're standing outside the XO's stateroom as the 1MC goes down. You hear the XO jump up and start scurrying around. He starts yelling, "Where's the f-ing General Alarm!!!" Then, >STUMBLE< >THUD< "WHAT THE F---?!?!!" >>CRASH!!<< His door flies open and out he comes, wearing this wide open poopie that only covers him from elbows to knees.

8/17/2008 12:07 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, here's my absolute favorite, altho we paid dearly for it.

We had a Hot Runner XO show up to the boat directly from the 5 sided squirrel cage that was out to prove to his retired Admiral father that he had the right stuff.

He drove crew morale down so low, that during one pre-ORSE underway the crew collaborated to steal the XO's door. It was hidden very well outboard the Main Condensers (637 class). XO decides to field-day until it's found, but 4hrs later it has not turned up. XO decides to put up a heavy curtain in place of his door so he can get some privacy.

Fast-forward 3 days, on the watch just preceeding drills, his door is replaced on the OUTSIDE of the curtain. XO had a habit of keeping an OBA in his stateroom, so as to be properly attired as MIC in case of a fire drill, so what do we do? A 'Fire in M2LL' is called away (CO is in on this). XO jumps out of his rack, dons his OBA and whips open the curtain and runs face first into his newly returned door. I think he got 3 stitches out of that, and a mild attitude adjustment. He departed the boat not too long after that and called the crew "The biggest speed bump in my road to Admiral"

Name witheld to protect the guilty

8/17/2008 1:11 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mix one portly CO, a boomer crew on its last patrol, and about ten thousand M&Ms. A salad bowl on the Wierdroom table was kept topped off with the M&Ms. Whenever the CO came to the Wierdroom, someone would engage him in conversation and pretend to munch on the M&Ms. The CO couldn't resist having some, too. Since the entire crew was in on the plan, the CO ended up eating the entire batch of M&Ms. He didn't notice his significant weight gain because he was wearing a poopy suit while underway (and the officers were periodically adjusting the buckle on his web belt). At the end of the patrol, the CO absolutely hydroed his whites--nearly giving a shut indication on the hatches while arriving and departing from the boat. Fortunately, the admiral for whom he gave his end-of-patrol brief was able to forcefully convey this message to the CO--the laws of physics require that you displace less than your command.

8/17/2008 6:37 PM

Blogger J120 Bowman said...

I was one of four Middies on the Michigan Blue in the late 80's for a patrol. As the only 1st class, that made me in charge! At the end of the patrol, we wnet to San Diego for a week of middie ops (ironic huh?). After intense pressure by the crew, I was convinced to lead a raiding party on the XO's door. During the manuevering watch into San Diego we removed the door and hid it in the Officer's Study behind a bench seat. The study is close to the XO's stateroom so it was a fast job. Well, unbeknownst to us there was an 0-6 rider coming on board who was going to bunk in the XO's stateroom. The 0-6 happened to be my ROTC CO. Well, while I was manning the scope on the trip outbound the COB whispers in my ear to put the f***ing door back ASAP. Now we have a problem. The manuevering watch is secured and the XO isn't constrained to Control. So I try to convince my CO to "divert" the XO while we replace the door. As any good submariner would do, he tells me I'm on my own. We did get the door replaced without being caught, the crew did admire the effort, and my CO "talked" to me later that year when I returned to school.

8/18/2008 6:08 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had an instructore at prototype who claimed he "punched Richover" for "tweeking my valves" "I told him I'd punch him."

8/18/2008 7:48 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here are some good ones that I witnessed or was possible part of:

Black shoe polish on the RC periscope -EOOW came back from his tour with a black eye.

One time we ran some tygon tubing from the FWD O2 bleed to a certain ELTs rack. He went to the rack only to come back to crews mess 20 minutes later indicating he could not sleep and felt odd.

We let a LL watch stander continue to make his hot chocolate from the condensate instead of distiller drains. For weeks he kept on complaining that the ships food was giving him diarrhea. After several trips to the Doc with no relief, we finally clued him in that the Morphaline condensate system was used in veterinary practices as livestock laxative.

The best was went the RM's tricked a die hard Green bay packer fan into believing his cherished team had sold by the city and the stadium slated to be torn down.

8/18/2008 8:32 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The boat's RMC(SS) left his coffee cup on the wardroom table after training one underway. It had a nice, thick coating of coffee build-up until I scrubbed it spotless. He was livid and thought one of his RMs had done it, so he didn't speak to his division for a couple of weeks.

8/18/2008 8:53 AM

Blogger Submaster said...

To change subjects, does anyone have any intel on "The EM Log"?

8/18/2008 9:54 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"So I try to convince my CO to "divert" the XO while we replace the door. As any good submariner would do, he tells me I'm on my own. We did get the door replaced without being caught, the crew did admire the effort, and my CO "talked" to me later that year when I returned to school."

I don't understand - did he chew you out for hiding the door (a well established tradition), or for being dumb enough to ask your CO for help with a prank that you were essentially pulling on him? I would have loved to see your face when the COB was whispering in your ear...

8/18/2008 10:25 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

On the Grant Gold the preferred method of hazing was the pogo. You turned the victim upside-down, put his head between your ankles, and commenced to jumping.

Typically it only lasted a few seconds, but that was all that it took to cause embarrassment or give a suitable dose of humility.

I never gave one, but was on the receiving end when I was a young ensign on my first patrol.

In my discussions with folks on other boats I never heard of any other crew practicing this.

8/18/2008 10:56 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boomer humor...go figure.

Now on fast-attacks, the current rage when it comes to pulling pranks is taking photos that makes everyone believe that the Arctic Ice Cap is melting.

Now that is a knee-slapper. But now someone has done some homework and done spoiled the fun. Spoilsports.

Next thing you know, somebody's going to spoil the other great laugh these days and let the cat out of the bag that U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama has only been a U.S. Senator since November 2004.


8/18/2008 2:46 PM

Blogger Unknown said...

The reactor G-Spot. Had a sonar guy come aft for a checkout just before the weekly scram drill. I told him that I'd make time for the checkout if he helped start the drill by jumping on the reactor's G-Spot. I "carefully measured" the appropriate spot in the tunnel and told him to wait for my signal, then jump up and land right on that spot to scram the reactor. He was a bit leery, but a grape is a grape, so he took the challenge. When the XO said he was initiating the drill, I pointed at sonar-goob, who obediently jumped up, landing right on the "correct" spot. Second later, reactor scram is called away. Kid danced around the tunnel for several minutes after. Yes ... I gave him the checkout. You just don't want to lose a good pigeon.

He was pointing out (and avoiding) the G-spot for the rest of the run.

8/18/2008 3:25 PM

Blogger montigrande said...

I guess to start off with I should provide some background

-The term “Panel Envy” was coined on my second boat (the one that rhymes with “I’m a turkey”) and describes how some poor young wire rates are anxious to qualify their watches in the maneuvering area. This allows them to be one of “the cool kids in d’box.” And, yes it’s the same general idea as “penis envy.”

-There is a phenomenon on certain submarines where if the left door to maneuvering is open, people in the box can here clearly what is said at the front of the left-hand turbo generator and visa versa.

-The ventilation bill on certain submarines may or may not indicate that one door to maneuvering be dogged and the other be “open for access.” Most alleged submarines interpret this to mean that one (the left one) is dogged and the other is undogged but shut. The EDMC on this ship directed that the right door be left open so that the watch standers in maneuvering could “hear the plant.” Please note that the EDMC also had several other policies that were contrary to common sense and often caused discomfort or other general trouble for non-mechanics.

This is really the story of two young second class petty officers and the near death experience that one of them almost had, at the behest of their watch section.

The first was a hard charging, buff mechanic. A proud Texan, he enjoyed working out and being seen in a positive light by his supervisors, we’ll call him “Scott.” Scott was qualified ERS and had his dolphins, was filling in as the LRYN and trying really hard to not go to EOOW/EWS training. The EDMC (mentioned above) recommended that Scott qualify Throttleman as it was a cool way to look good without actually going to more training, and he already knew most of what the watch did anyway. Scott qualified and never expected to stand anything other than a proficiency watch, maybe.

The second was a bookish pale blond perspective reactor operator. He had taken orders to the ship to be near his home and friends in Massachusetts. He enjoyed playing those really hard computer games and when he wasn’t doing that he enjoyed playing those really hard X-box/playstation2 games, we’ll call him Jake. Jake was qualified RT, AEA and SEO and was rapidly finishing his submarine and other qualifications (primarily because he wasn’t allowed to play his games underway without his dolphins). His other motivation was that he had some trouble with some evolutions on the RT watch station, lets just say that he had to do 25 pushups after each log set to maintain enough upper body strength to do the noisy part of steam generator chemistry. He had a habit of posting himself just out of sight on the left side of d’box so that he could hear what was happening with the “cool kids.” When someone would pass by, Jake would pretend to either be looking at some equipment or wiping down some dust bunnies.

As luck would have it, an electrician got sick, or kicked off of the boat or something and Scott got the Throttleman job for an entire underway. The SNOB, the senior second in RC division and the E division leading first were selected to round out his maneuvering watch team. And being the men they were, the games commenced.

I got involved, four weeks into a six week underway, when Scott walked by me and told me to “keep that little fag away from” him. It seems that the RO and EO were able to convince Scott that Jake was actually looking at him, and that all of his interest in d’box was actually homosexually directed at Scott. Scott was so homophobicly distressed, he was near taking physical action and I knew that if he did, he would have pretty much killed Jake. It took the remainder of the underway for me, the RCLPO and the MLPO to convince Scott that he and his virtue were safe. The EDMC was very displeased with the other guys involved but, how can you not laugh. After that, Jake qualified senior in rate and moved in to d’box and Scott went back to ERS (eventually qualified EWS). The irony is that they seemed to usually be in the same section, both underway and in port.

8/18/2008 5:15 PM

Blogger FT2(ss) said...

lol, hiding the XO's door on a 637, that sure does sound familiar.

Reading more of these pranks reminded me of more things we may have done.

So we had a weapons load, and on a 637 loading weapons takes forever. Well us FT's had a pretty good job operating the aft capstan, and in control doing pretty much nothing. Well one fateful weapons load the Weaps left his command ballcap unsecure. 1 ballcap, 1 bucket, water and the freezer. And about 8 hours later there was a solid block of ice with a ballcap inside.

Now this isnt the only time we used the freezer to prank someone. One of the funniest ever was when we froze someones mattress while he was on duty. There was some language coming from berthing that shocked the torpedo men that were just outside of berthing.

And during one of my checkouts aft, I really messed with one of the EM's. So as he is explaining to me the diffrent panels and what alert lights mean run for your lives, I tell him "You mean like that red one over there?" He freaks out and runs over to the panel that has a very brightly lit bulb and starts checking all the readings. Im laughing hysterically and my laser pointer no longer is pointed at the indicator. You would not belive how well a simple laser pointer can illuminate lamps and other colored plastic indicators.

8/18/2008 7:46 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Bubblehead,

I've got an announcement for you and your readers. I also sent this to your email.

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8/18/2008 8:51 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only thing I want to ask the chief is why he gets to go home at 1730 while the rest of us are stuck here all night doing OI-55. Maybe he needs to rest up from his one duty day a month.

8/19/2008 6:57 AM

Blogger 630-738 said...

Your E-Div chief goes home while OI-55 is in progress? That's a damn shame, and never happened while I was ELCPO. It saddens me to hear that now. Of course, you could always ask him that at the next Eng Dept Training, if you're willing to pay the price for it.

8/19/2008 7:49 AM

Blogger a_former_elt_2jv said...

I hadn't thought about the OIs in a long time. Hehehehe.

Thanks for that!

8/19/2008 9:41 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Better that he go home than gum up the works. For the first 3.5 years I was on a boat, we had no E-Div chief. The division was run by the leading first - just fine, thank you. Along comes chiefy and his grand ideas of how he'll "stay in the shadows" and let us continue to do our thing, except that he didn't stay in the shadows. Instead he proceeded to gum up every good deal we had going. So . . . when I was doing OI-55 my last time he was hanging around, in the way, offering sage advice, blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately for him he also left his GIGANTIC Texaco coffee mug on the AMR2UL work bench. I promptly filled it w/ pubes and was much amused a few minutes later when chiefy sucked down a giant gulp. After fishing around his mouth with his tongue for a few minutes, he produced an offender and exclaimed, "Hmmm, a pubie." He then drank the whole thing. 8-) Pretty good sport, but still a complete no-load.

8/19/2008 3:02 PM

Blogger Roy said...

Two pranks.

First, I had the below decks watch on the US Grant while we were in the shipyard back in 77. It was the middle of the midwatch and I was B-O-R-E-D. (And that's a dangerous thing to be.) Anyway, I got to thinking about all the fluorescent light fixtures and how each one needed one of those starters before they would turn on but not to stay on. Then ding!, the idea came to me.

So I went into the wardroom and first made sure that every single light in the room was turned on. (Remember, this was in the shipyard so no officers were anywhere near the wardroom at that hour.) Then, over the next hour or so and between rounds, I surreptitiously removed the starter in every single light in the place - including those under the counter cabinets. I put all the starters in one of the drawers and then made my escape. So far so good. All the wardroom lights were still on, but no starters.

Fast forward to the next morning. The big daily wardroom meeting is in progress. I nonchalantly walked over to the lighting panel, which was down the passageway and around the corner from the wardroom door. I checked to make sure I was unobserved, and quickly cycled the breaker.


It took them awhile to figure that one out. And for awhile I thought they were going to bring in NIS to investigate. (I would have been busted for sure with my fingerprints on all of those starters.) But it never happened, and I was never caught. (...I sure hope the statute of limitations has run out!)


The next one was played on me, and I have to admit, it was a pretty good one.

I was in sonar and needed to contact one of my sonarman colleagues who I knew was goofing off in the crews mess. So I picked up the trusty dial-x and dialed the number for the crews mess.

"Torpedo room, Davies speaking."

"Oh, sorry. I miss dialed."

I dial again...

"Maneuvering, Robinson."

"Damn. Sorry wrong number."

I dial again...

"Machinery two, petty officer Perine speaking."

"Damnit! Somethings wrong with this phone!"


"Radio, Gardner here."

Okay, somethings definitely wrong here.

"Sonar, petty officer Thomas."

"Damn You! I'm in Sonar!"

So I run down to the crews mess where everyone was having a good laugh at my expense. But I didn't take it personal. In fact, I had to admit that it was a pretty good one, so I laughed right along with them. All of those guys goofing off in the crews mess cooked up that prank together and were waiting to see who would fall into their snare. I just happened to be the first poor slob to call the crews mess.

8/19/2008 8:49 PM

Blogger 630-738 said...

Sorry to revisit a previous comment, but I have to ask Mr. Anonymous doing OI-55, so which is it? Are you p.o.'d he left at 1730 while you were still working, or are you glad he left because he was interrupting the flow? Or, do you just need something to bitch about? You can't have it both ways.

8/20/2008 6:02 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The second anonomous is a different author than the first. The second one is a retred of a post on the EM Log (RIP)

8/20/2008 11:11 AM

Blogger 630-738 said...

I should have recognized it, EM Log was a must read for me. I really miss that blog!!!

8/20/2008 7:52 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It's Da Shoes"

I have two, both based on the CO's practice of allowing "patrol shoes" of pretty much any sort while underway.

Story one starts one field day early underway when a certain Retractor Operator (we'll call him "Ron" since I don't care to protect his identity) rings the voice tube bell from AMR2UL and pours a bucket of H20 down on the LL watch (whom we'll call "Animal" because most folks couldn't remember if his mother had actually given him another name). Animal utters an admirable obscenity then says "It's REAL early to start this stuff."

A week or two later, Ron comes back to da box uncharacteristically late for relief, clad in his fashionable boonies. "Sorry I'm late. I can't find my @#**^%% patrol shoes!" About halfway through the watch Ron hears from ERUL "Hey Reactor Operator! Special Delivery!" Ron looks to the door just in time to see a bucket slide by, with a block of ice and his suede shoes frozen solidly inside.

"The Cruel Shoes"

One of the best EOOW's or Div O's ever had a pair of canvas loafers that were the envy of all: black and white checks toe to heal. One day he came back to watch totally bummed, as his beloved "cool shoes" had been kidnapped. After some time and much speculation, a drawing showed up in the "Vindictive Night Order Book (VNOB)" (our version of the EM Log). The picture showed the shoes with all of the white squares colored in with various colored sharpies. When he returned to his rack after watch they were there, colored exactly as drawn. He might still have been wearing them when he took command of his own boat sometime later.

8/21/2008 2:01 PM

Blogger beebs said...

Back in the yards on the USTAFISH, the engineering roving watch taped the SRO to his chair.

As luck would have it, NR caught them.
I believe the kindly old Admiral called the CO at his home to ask what was going on on his submarine. Both went to mast, and the CO was able to keep their nuclear certs.
I'm glad I didn't have duty that night.


8/21/2008 10:31 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well during my what seemed to be extended play time on the USS Michigan during the conversion days. We got a new COB....Lets just say he did't have many fans due to the field days and new lame looking "Plank owner" Ball caps. So I and one NAV ET (Submarine Woman) decided to steel his COB ball cap and take pictures of it through out our barge, ony in the head on the toilet seat with a note that said help me!!!, One with it sitting on someones butt cheek. We then posted these great pics throughout the barge for all our shipmates to enjoy. There were many 1mc's made that day. Thank god radio had a nice lock on the door. He never once though we had anything to do with it. Besides we were his biggest lbs ;-) lol

V/R ET2 Dizzle

Miss that guy named RABB.

This one was one of my faves...Props to one MM1 Dowden.
During one of our many field days the cascon watch received a phone call from "STSC calcatera" requesting all chief pety officers muster with him on "crews mess" per the IC man. So after all those yellow flash light weilding masters of observation mustered with a less than excited STSCS the gig was up. Next comes the RABB on the 1mc demanding the guilty party muster with him time NOW!!! Double D did muster with the COB later on that day...good on you shipmate.

8/28/2008 9:49 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best prank EVER!!! On one of those ill fated weekend duty days. sigh... Those F*&^ing Nukes. Well one of them decided to place a cooking timer in one of the pannles inside of manuvering the night before. It was set to go off promptly at 9 am the next day. So while me and some of my chums were debating on a food run on our barge the nukes were in a emergancy evac procedure on the boat...I seemed to remember that manuvering must be manned at all times or something like that. Any who the phone calls was made to the ENG, who was already 90% balled, he then proceeded to drop a duce in his pants. By the time he got to the boat he was 100% balled ;-)After a brave nuke decided to take the chance and trace down th source of this disturbance he then located the timer that had a nice note taped to it which read: "BOOM!!!"


lets just say this was the fastest mast in michigans history.

~sigh~ F*&^%ing nukes.

ET2 Dizzle

8/28/2008 9:59 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone knows about the water down the voice tube, but while I was a student at NPTU charleston, the lower level watch decided to get even, he had rigged up a funnel with an air hose attached and filled the funnel with flour, he then buzzed the upper level watch and when they answered, shot the flour upward to make it snow in upperlevel....needless to say we were cleaning that up for quite awhile...but it was worth it.

9/06/2008 2:02 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I grew up in Idaho Falls and remember well all the "site buses" picking up and dropping off all the Navy men at all hours of the day and night Served my first middie cruise on an old Sturgeon class boat on its way to Mare Island for overhaul. All the officers had gone through training in IF, and because I could join in their reminiscences, I enjoyed a favored status among the middies, and knew enough to avoid the crew's fun at my expense. The others got to suit up for the mail buoy, go aft to sweep the baffles, returned rubbing tender shoulders following an errand in search of an MM1 punch, and squeegeeing out the tubes in the dark at Pearl!

Seeing the antenna-bristled Soviet "fishing trawlers" on cc really made an impression I'll never forget!

Thanks for the tales and memories - love the blog!

10/10/2008 12:19 PM


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