Keeping the blogosphere posted on the goings on of the world of submarines since late 2004... and mocking and belittling general foolishness wherever it may be found. Idaho's first and foremost submarine blog. (If you don't like something on this blog, please E-mail me; don't call me at home.)

Thursday, November 24, 2005

My Brain Is Full...

...of all sorts of worthless crap. Most submariners have pretty good memories -- but our heads get so full of things like casualty immediate actions and qual trivia that we have to get rid of stuff like birthdays of anyone outside of our immediate family in order to make room for it. For me, it seems even worse; my brain is so inundated with worthless trivia that it's a wonder I can remember where I parked my truck.

Today is Thanksgiving, so naturally my thoughts turn to Christmas; inevitably, I start thinking about Christmas carols. And not the normal Christmas carols, either -- that'd be fairly useful. No, instead I remember these parody Christmas carols that came out in Mad magazine back in late 1976. One example:

Sam and Roz Are Comin' To Town (to the tune of Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town)

You'd better give up,
On Christmas this year;
You haven't a chance
With relatives here;
Sam and Roz are coming to town

They're bringing their kids,
To add to your fun;
They're staying 10 days
You thought it was one;
Sam and Roz are coming to town

They'll monopolize your bathroom,

They'll destroy your solitude;
They will eat you out of house and home,
Then complain about the food.

Oh, there's only one way,
To save your Noel,
Just give them the house
And take a hotel.
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Now, I haven't seen that magazine, or read those words, in almost 30 years, but I remember them perfectly. I figured that there must be other people so afflicted, so I went searching on the web to see if these poor souls had tried to exorcise their demons by putting the lyrics on-line. Lo and behold, I found someone who had put the lyrics up. I wasn't the only one! Interestingly, it's also on an official government web page for Prince Edward Island, with one line changed.

I tried some of the other songs I knew. "It Hangs Down From Our Chandelier" was another one I remembered word for word; therefore, I was able to know that this is essentially what was in Mad, and this version isn't. The "right" version:

"It hangs down from our chandelier;
We have no idea what it does.
Its shape is weird and
It drips with goo,
And lets off a high-sounding buzz.

It grows a couple of feet each day,
And wiggles with kind of a twitch.
We keep it 'cause it's a present from
A visiting uncle who's rich!"

(I remembered the last two lines as: "The only reason we keep it's 'cause, it's from a vis'ting uncle who's rich".)

"We Three Clods From Omaha Are": Found it on this message board.

"Oh, Little BankAmericard": Found here. This one kind of dates the songs; for those who don't remember BankAmericard, it became Visa about when this song came out.

"Wrap Your Gift With Fingers Agile": Same site; this one was at least rumored to have come from Mad magazine.

These examples I found were all either professionally collated sites, or people who remembered onesies-twosies. I was worried that I was the only one afflicted with having to remember them all, until I found this post in a message board (12th post down). I wasn't alone! Somehow, that made me feel better.

Now, if I could only get the litany out of my head that starts: "Feed station, Maneuvering, take manual-electric control of the port and starboard feed reg..."

Anybody seen my truck?

35 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't see the issue with the Xmas carols, but my mind is burdened with plenty of other songs from Mad. Just the other day I found myself singing "The bluefish lie dead in the ocean./The codfish lie dead in the sea./They all died of oil pollution/Caused by the oil company." Then there's "Ground Round," or "Hello, Deli," or....


RM1(SS) (ret)

"Boy, that's an ugly hippopotamus," Tom said hypocritically.

11/24/2005 6:33 AM

 
Blogger half said...

my brain is so inundated with worthless trivia that it's a wonder I can remember where I parked my truck.

Are you certain you own a truck?

11/24/2005 4:56 PM

 
Blogger G-Man said...

You know you're getting older when.....

Ah, just save the worthless trivia for your retiring days and then go
back to the younger generation of subbies and fill their minds with worthless trivia. Then you would have come full circle.

hope you had a happy thanksgiving
and I hope someone isn't thinking about getting them 'jamma bottoms that have the "grinch" on em (giggle)

11/25/2005 11:07 PM

 
Blogger LadyZ said...

Do you happen to know where I might find Mad Magazines poems and song parodies on the internet? There are two items I would like to find from 1970 and 71.
All I can find are snippets of info. I want the date adn issue that "Ground Round" was published and I need to find the complete poem that starts with "a bunch of the boys were whooping it up on Christmans Eve one year all full of cheap Whiskey and hoping like hell that St. Nick would soon appear; when straight through the door and out of the night which was icy and cold as a freezer came a broken down sled pulled by eight mangy dogs and whipped by an old bearded gizzer....."

12/01/2005 2:03 AM

 
Blogger Bubblehead said...

I wasn't able to find an actual collection of Mad magazine archives. The only "Night Before Christmas" parody I know is much too dirty to put up; it starts: "'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, the whole gol-durned family was drunk as a souse; With Ma in a whorehouse, and Dad in jail, I'd just settled down for a nice piece of tail."

12/07/2005 9:09 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amazing, I learned those funny mad mag songs as a kid and every christmas sing those I remember to my children, I am sure they thought I made them up until my sister and I sang them together one year. We still have the songs on the sheet, at mum's I think, it is old and well used now. One you left off was:
Sung to tune of "god rest ye merry gentlemen"
Bug off ye merry gentlmen Our christmas you won't mar
Without a woman giving birth There'd be no super star
She did the job without your help in Bethlehem back then......
All which means we don't need you lousy men, chauvanist men all which means we don't need you lousy men...

There was anotherone about mrs clause riding santa I think they were more femanist christmas songs byt they were funny


Cheers

12/12/2005 4:04 AM

 
Blogger Bubblehead said...

I also just recently remembered another one: "Pukin' In A Winter Punk-erland"; some of the lyrics I remember included: "Later on, we'll conspire, as we sit by the fire, to mug an old man, score some dope if we can..."

12/17/2005 7:52 AM

 
Blogger LadyZ said...

My Gosh! I wonder if they realize how much they warped our minds so long ago,lol! What is even worse I can only remember four lines of "The Ride of Paul Revere" and about six from "Julius Caesar", so much for that,lol!

12/27/2005 2:43 PM

 
Anonymous Cricket said...

A ditty from Seaside, CA.

We Three Drunks Of Mortimer's Bar
Tried to smoke a Cuban cigar.
It was loaded it exploded
Now we're on yonder star

Oh
Cigar of wonder
Cigar of light
It sure gave
My heart a fright.

It was loaded
It exploded
That's why we're all dead tonight.

12/22/2006 12:36 AM

 
Blogger adq said...

You guys aren't the only ones with useless crap in your brain. I loved Mad Magazine's crazy lyrics and one of my favorites is Hello, Deli. I memorized as a young teenager but can't remember all the words. I am trying to get it for a clown friend of mine. Any of you remember all the words?

1/31/2007 12:04 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do remember Hello Deli! Here it is:
Hello, Deli
This is Joe, Deli.
Would you please send up a nice corned beef on rye?
A box of Ritz, deli, and some Schlitz, deli
Some chopped liver and a sliver of your apple pie
Turkey legs, deli, hard-boiled eggs, deli with tomatoes and potatoes you French fry, oh,
Please don't be late, deli
Cause I can't wait, deli
Deli, without breakfast I will die!
Does anyone remember the second half of Chopped Liver (sung to Moon River)? Here's what I remember:
Chopped liver, onions on the side,
My social life has died from you.
My friends shun me, They all outrun me,
The smell of my breath is sure death, sad but true...

9/15/2007 3:35 PM

 
Anonymous aen said...

can any of you Mad Mag readers help me fill-in the missing lyrics to these songs:
OH WHAT A GLORIOUS DINNER
theres a bright golden glaze on the eggrolls
theres a bright golden glaze on the eggrolls
[ something something]
the teas in the pot and the waiters named chung.

oh what a glorious diner
we'll fill our bellies and then
one hour after we've eaten
we'll all be hungry again.

all the noodles are covered with soy sauce
all the noodles are covered with soy sauce
we're feeling no pain
cuz our plates all contain
a double portion of subgum chowmein

oh what a glorious diner
we'll fill our bellies and then
one hour after we've eaten
we'll all be hungry again.

GROUND ROUND (downtown)
When you eat meat
but you hate the meat your eating
then you've surely got: ground round.
Its so unnerving
when they're consatntly serving
at the eating shop: ground round.

It maybe call chop steak, salsbury, or beef patie, no matter what they call it its over cooked and fatty....
What do you do,
loudly pound on your table,
stand up on your chair and shout:
Ground round, piled on my plate i see
Ground round, why must it always be
Ground round, they keep serving me
Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round.

9/23/2007 3:01 PM

 
Anonymous aen said...

can any of you Mad Mag readers help me fill-in the missing lyrics to these songs:
OH WHAT A GLORIOUS DINNER
theres a bright golden glaze on the eggrolls
theres a bright golden glaze on the eggrolls
[ something something]
the teas in the pot and the waiters named chung.

oh what a glorious diner
we'll fill our bellies and then
one hour after we've eaten
we'll all be hungry again.

all the noodles are covered with soy sauce
all the noodles are covered with soy sauce
we're feeling no pain
cuz our plates all contain
a double portion of subgum chowmein

oh what a glorious diner
we'll fill our bellies and then
one hour after we've eaten
we'll all be hungry again.

GROUND ROUND (downtown)
When you eat meat
but you hate the meat your eating
then you've surely got: ground round.
Its so unnerving
when they're consatntly serving
at the eating shop: ground round.

It maybe call chop steak, salsbury, or beef patie, no matter what they call it its over cooked and fatty....
What do you do,
loudly pound on your table,
stand up on your chair and shout:
Ground round, piled on my plate i see
Ground round, why must it always be
Ground round, they keep serving me
Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round.

9/23/2007 3:05 PM

 
Anonymous Wingnut said...

Twas the night before stand-down;
and all through the boat
everyone was cleaning
except for the goats.
They lied there, sleeping in their beds with vision of field days dancing in their heads.
Our coveralls were hung by the reactor with care, with hopes that soon reactor Bob would be there.
When out from the tunnel arose such a clatter, we sprang from out bilges to see what was the matter. There was the COB, EDMC and XO, "Get back to cleaning Y'all, your never going home!"
The end. Merry Christmas ... now get back to cleaning NUB.

12/21/2007 8:09 PM

 
Blogger wounddo said...

oh what a glorious diner
we'll fill our bellies and then
one hour after we've eaten
we'll all be hungry again.

Correct ist verse refrain is

O what a glorious dinner, Oh, what great moo goo gai pan. We're having 28 courses, thanks to the family plan

Corrected Chopped LIver

Chopped liver, onions on the side,
My social life has died from you.
My friends shun me, They outrun me,
The smell of my breath is slow death, sad but true.



Your odor's twice as bad as beer; and people who drink beer agree.
I know that your smell will not end,always I'll offend; my halitosis friend,

Chopped Liver, in me.

3/15/2008 2:03 PM

 
Blogger Jalola said...

Try this page on the mad covers site:
http://www.collectmad.com/madcoversite/index-carols.html

Actual scans of the magazine pages each time carol parodies were done!

11/28/2008 11:07 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Jalola !!!!!!

12/24/2008 5:48 PM

 
Blogger Jalola said...

My pleasure! Merry Christmas. J.

12/24/2008 5:55 PM

 
Blogger MattO said...

Aen: Here you go! Funny the stuff we remember from forty years ago, when we can't remember what we need at the grocery store today.

OH WHAT A GREAT CHINESE DINNER

There’s a bright golden glaze on the eggroll
There’s a bright golden glaze on the eggroll
the hot egg foo yung
really pleases the tongue
and the tea’s in the pot and the waiter's named chung!

Oh what a great Chinese dinner
oh what great moo goo gai pan
we’re having twenty eight courses
thanks to the family plan!

All the noodles are covered with soy sauce
all the noodles are covered with soy sauce
we're feeling no pain
cause our plates all contain
a big double portion of subgum chowmein!

Oh what a great Chinese dinner
we'll fill our bellies and then
one hour after we've eaten
we'll all be hungry again!

4/13/2009 11:26 AM

 
Anonymous markle9 said...

For years I've been trying to find the mob version of "Do,Re,Mi". Here's all I remember:

"Dough, it's cash
It's cold hard cash
Ray, the guy I--"

And it's a blank after that.

7/20/2009 11:42 AM

 
Anonymous BetsyG said...

Very sick to remember this so well, but some corrections to

Ground Round:

When you eat meat
but you hate the meat that you're eating
you have surely got: ground round.
Its so unnerving
when they're constantly serving
in an eating spot: ground round.

It maybe called chopped steak, chopped sirloin or even a beef patty, no matter what it's called it's always undercooked and fatty....
What do you do,
Stand up on your table or chair,
.... in the air and shout:
Ground round, piled on my plate I see
Ground round, why must it always be
Ground round, they're always serving me
Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round, Ground round.

Here is another one:

In Flight (to the tune of Tonight)

In flight, in flight, they serve great food in flight
The sirloins are so tasty and rare
In flight, in flight, I tried to eat in flight
But it just doesn't work in the air

In flight, the cool winds they are bucking
and soon I am upchucking
O what a sorry sight

[and I'm afraid thats the end of my recall]

8/08/2009 11:55 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

RE: The song based on "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlmen."

This came from Mad Magazine back in the early 70s. I remember it well. I was a little kid (I'm now 46) and reading my neighbor's Mad was simply scandalous, as my parents didn't approve of that magazine.

I have remembered that particular song all these years and found this blog from the Googled "Superstar" line. It's fun that someone else remembered it.

11/26/2009 1:44 PM

 
Blogger Jalola said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11/26/2009 4:48 PM

 
Blogger Jalola said...

New link to the Mad Christmas carols captures
http://www.madcoversite.com/index-carols.html

11/26/2009 4:59 PM

 
Blogger Chuk said...

I was at my kid's Christmas concert and to my surprise my daughter's Grade 7 class sang "Sam and Roz are coming to town!" I'd also remembered it for 30 years or so...I think the kids skipped the final verse, not sure why. Also they changed it to "Sam and Rose" which doesn't sound quite as good to me.

12/17/2009 10:53 AM

 
Anonymous Doug Gilford said...

Embarassing but true,
one last site address change:

http://www.madcoversite.com/index-carols.html

is now:

http://www.madcoversite.com/carols.html

12/26/2009 8:01 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I found this site because I've known "Chopped Liver" by heart since I was a kid and I remember that it was in the same issue as "In Flight". I hope someone will post the complete lyrics of the latter.

2/25/2010 9:00 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The one that stuck in my head was 'it hangs down from our chandelier'. The photograph of the 'thing' is still visible in my minds eye. But in my memory, and the way I have been singing it loudly for years, in verse one is this:

"It hangs down from our chandelier;
We have no idea what it does.
It's long and stringy and drips with goo,
And lets off a high-sounding buzz."

If this is not the original, I still think it's an improvement.

12/12/2010 9:55 AM

 
Anonymous Doug said...

Okay ... I'm like 6 years late, but here are a couple I remember from probably the mid-sixties:

Fill the bars with Christmas drinking
Fa la la la la la la la la
See the people getting stinking
F l
Though their brains are half corroded
F l
Still they'll try to drive home loaded
F l

See the busy intersection
Watch cars come from each direction
See the pile-up as they're meeting
What a novel Christmas greeting

Hear the sound of sirens blowing
See the yule-tide death toll growing
That's the fate of drunken drivers
Sing this song to their survivors ...

And then there's the ever-famous

Doorbells ring
It's the season
And you know
What's the reason
There's someone out there
Who's after his share
Stinking out his greedly little hand

First to come
Is the doorman
He'll complain
He's a poor man
The janitor's next
On some weak pretext
Sticking out that greedy little hand

Then will come your superintendent's visit
He will ring your doorbell loud and long
You will open up and ask what is it
He'll just smile and sing a Christmas song

Later on
You'll get cash up
For the man
Who picks the trash up
How nice they're all here
For one day a year
Sticking out that greedy little hand

11/30/2011 12:22 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would love to have a songfest with everyone above! Here is another refinement to "Ground Round." The words popped into my "Mad" brain this afternoon. I couldn't wait to get on the net to see if anyone else remembers them Apparently so ...but still hope someone will post more of "Chopped Liver."
GROUND ROUND (sung to "Downtown")
When you eat meat but hate the meat that you're eating,
you've most surely got: ground round.
It's so unnerving when they're constantly serving
at an eating shop: ground round.

It may be called chopped sirloin, salisbury or beef pattie.
No matter what it's called it's always overcooked and fatty.
What can you do?
Sound off to your waiter there,
and loudly pound on your table, stand up on your chair, and shout:
"Ground round, piled on my plate I see
ground round, why must it always be
ground round, they're serving constantly
ground round, ground round, ground round, ground round ...

12/15/2011 10:09 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think these are the correct lyrics to "Ground Round".
When you eat meat, but hate the meat that you're eating
Then you've surely got, ground round
It's so unnerving when they're constantly serving
At an eating spot, ground round
It may be called chopped steak, a salisbury or beef patty
No matter what it's called it's always overcooked and fatty
What can you do?
Sound off to your waiter there
And loudly pound on your table, stand up in your chair, and shout
Ground round, piled on my plate I see
Ground round, always you're conning me
Ground round, why must it always be
Ground round, ground round...

2/15/2012 6:39 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's one I am sad to say I remember from Mad when I was a kid...
(Sung to the tune of "Georgie Girl")

Hey there, charge account
Going on another shopping spree
Lucky thing for me the store don't know my bank account's bare
I'm dead broke!
Hey there, charge account
Gettin' all these fancy clothes for free
Haven't paid since '63 but what the heck, I don't care
But look at that salesgirl checkin' my file and wreckin' my day
She's just discovered that I don't pay!
She's tellin' me, goodbye, charge account
Now I really feel like some poor schnook
Giving back the clothes I took, I don't have a stitch to wear!
'Cause I'm stripped bare
Of my charge account!

2/15/2012 6:57 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am afflicted and have also had Ground Round stuck in my brain for all these years. What's more.....

(To the best of my memory)

Sung to the tune of "Moon River"

Chopped liver
Onions on the side
My social life has died
From you

My friends shun me
They outrun me
The smell of my breath
Is slow death

Sad but true

Your breath is
Twice as bad as beer
And people who drink beer agree

The smell of my breath will not end
Always I'll offend
My halitosis friend
Chopped liver in me

=========================

Furthermore........

(Try and guess the tune)

The cod fish lie dead in the ocean
The blue fish lie dead in the sea
They all died of water pollution
Caused by the oil companies

Don't swim
Don't swim
Remember the blue fish and cod (and cod)
It's not our sea
Texaco leased it from God




(My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)

5/24/2012 3:53 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dang! I'd momentarily forgotten "In Flight"

I have that one etched in my cranial lining as well. Have you ever heard the term "can't unsee"? Kind of applies to your ears I guess, too. Oh well. Don't get me started on television cigarette commercial jingles or I'll be up all night....

5/24/2012 3:57 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To BetsyG:

......I'm white with fright
From trying to hold down every bite

In flight!

5/24/2012 4:00 AM

 

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