Let's Write A Story!
[Completely off-topic but timely aside: You can watch the christening of PCU Mississippi (SSN 782) here starting at 1100 EDT today; if you miss the live showing, they'll have an on-demand video replay available there for about a week starting later this afternoon.]
As I was soaking in the tub this morning, I started -- as frequently happens -- thinking about submarines, specifically some of the old midwatch discussions that pass on so much of the Submarine Force's "corporate knowledge" to the next generation. One of my favorites was the theoretical "forward vs. aft war" scenario: If the cones and nukes went to actual war on the boat, who would win? The conclusion always seemed to depend on where the discussion was being held; if in Maneuvering, the nukes would win, while if the discussion were held in Control the cones would prevail. The guns were all forward, but control of propulsion and all electrical power other than the battery bus, along with local control of the planes, was back aft.
This got me wanting to run an experiment with our little TSSBP community. While I doubt that it will work (I expect a result something like this), I think it'd be fun to try some "collaborative fiction" in the comments. My initial ground rules: 1) The protagonist wants to survive, so no solution where he just sinks the boat; 2) No gratuitous sex scenes; 3) No classified technical jargon that isn't already available open source; 4) There's some sort of mechanical fault that keeps the nuke from just manually blowing the aft EMBTs; and 5) If you want to make an editorial comment that isn't a contribution to the story, please put it in [brackets]. I'll start:
"MMCS(SS) Smith thought back to how he ended up in this situation. The emergent tasking while doing mid-deployment voyage repairs on his Los Angeles-class submarine in Jebel Ali, UAE, to transport the world's most wanted terrorist -- recently captured on the Afghan/Pakistani border -- back to the United States for trial. The submerged transit of the Straits of Hormuz and uneventful transit through the Arabian Sea. The midwatch training as EWS of the Reactor Technician (Under Instruction) on EAB usage with ET2(SU) Jones. The sounding of the general alarm with no 1MC announcement. Seeing the rest of the watchstanders in the Engine Room fall dead as if hit by a gas. Rushing forward to dog the watertight door between the forward compartment and the engine room, and seeing the crazed face of one of the CIA "guards" of their terrorist prisoner through the viewing window. Then, most disturbingly, the 1MC announcement -- in Arabic -- followed moments later by a voice in English saying "Surviving crewmembers in the Engine Room: We have complete control of the ship. Surrender now, and you will live."
posted by Bubblehead at 8:45 AM
54 Comments:
Just then, a Roman orgy broke out in the torpedo room with the COB and the rest of the goat locker leading the romp.
12/03/2011 10:25 AM
Umm.... one thought on the coner vs. nuke scenario.
Fag boats don't have all the weapons forward....and guess who carries the keys.... that's right....nukes.
Just saying... we all know that nukes are smarter and more crafty. Game over.
Does remind me that one underway watch while I was erm... "supervising" the engineroom, we came up with a combined zombie security violation plan that used zombies on tethers. The idea is that you have zombies locked up in remote release lockers on a tether. When the security violation goes down, evacuate the compartment and release the zombies. When the intruders are food, reel in the tethers and continue with normal at sea operations. We called it "Plan Z"
---
MM1/SS
12/03/2011 11:00 AM
[Obviously MM1 "SS" doesn't know what he is talking about].
12/03/2011 11:16 AM
Since 9/11 they have put small arms in the engine room. so guns for everyone!
12/03/2011 11:42 AM
When one of the terrorists starts shooting crew members FT1 says to the group of Jihad Jane’s that have taken over the boat, "Ummmmm just secure ventilation to the engine room. Anyone see Total Recall on the Mid-watch? No Scrubbers or burners aft just Lithium hydroxide. and we can vent to the outside can you? Nukes loose Cones win! burn a flick on battery power and wait for those pro-pay cork suckers to drop like flies."
12/03/2011 12:04 PM
Then the ragheads came to their senses. Why do we want an American submarine? We will have to clean it, pull tampons out of the sanitary system, behead the fags and the worst of all, keep up on the training admin!
So the ragheads surrendered peacefully, the boat was saved. Due to the current president's muslim leanings, the raghead's were given a full pardon and allowed to immigrate to the United States. Loving the free health care, they were able to open 7-11's and drive taxis for the rest of their lives.
However, one raghead, with a baby bearded allah still in his thoughts, joined the Army and became a psychiatrist.....
[Cut to sequel music]
Jim C.
Retired ANAV
12/03/2011 12:50 PM
4stop--ever hear of "after O2 bleed"? Nukes win. Guess where that 90-day loadout of flour and coffee goes? And I guarantee you'll run out of stuff to run when you have no air or hydraulics to run them, or no way of emptying sanitaries, or no water for your sonar girl showers...
That and we had all the best porn stashed back aft.
12/03/2011 5:44 PM
As fate would have it, all the female nuke officers were aft before the takeover. Just as luckily, the Arabs were only able to view them from the neck down through the watertight door as they stood topless at the aft end of the tunnel.
However, realizing that they had options up forward, the Arabs were able to control their lust.
The female supply officer was...of course...not an option, as she was a flat-chested skimmer dyke. But the sonar 'girls' provided plenty of ways of satisfying the AC/DC needs of the Arab invaders...at least until 4 hours later, when the Arabs became bored with their incessant whining and shower taking.
No longer able to control their powerful urges for the neck-down views of the aft female nukes, the Arabs headed through the watertight door...only to drop to their knees in horror after seeing the neck-up views. Temporarily blinded, they were easy prey for the wrenches and wenches that were waiting for them.
THE END
[Roll Credits and "Later..." Stories]
.
.
.
Later, the sonar 'girls' recovered fully, with the rough treatment at the hands of the terrorists not being a whole lot worse than an average watch in the sonar shack.
12/03/2011 11:28 PM
Little did the terrorists know that Chuck Norris was on board as a VIP rider. Several roundhouse kicks later, the terrorists were subdued. The return home was a bit uncomfortable because most of the O-gangers and the more educated Forward Area Guys sympathized with the plight of the terrorists. The nukes and Chuck Norris ruled the movie nights with 24 hour runs of Invasion USA and Lone Wolf Mcquade. For some it was the best of times....
12/04/2011 4:05 AM
For some reason, the nucs eventually became hungry despite chowing down on stale contraband.
As regular menu choices were announced for each meal up forward, panic set-in aft. Half the nucs were ready to defect by the end of day one.
Turns out chow is especially important on submarines, and Culinary Specialists (who are never nucs) store provisions near the mess.
Since most officers had access both the WR and engineering, a clear choice for starving ratings was simple:
- identify the healthiest junior officers
- when one ventured back aft for any reason, he/she would be lured to a "problem", stunned, and flash frozen for later use.
- the nucs arranged themselves into teams ... carving, waste removal and cooking.
-four nucs protested for religious reasons.. they were consumed first as practice.
-Now there was no turning back.
-All of the remaining nucs were soon sickened with a brain-wasting disease (similar to Kuru, but with rapid onset), however.
-The reactor automatically scrammed.
Various endings follow from this point.
The other RD
12/04/2011 7:59 PM
The ragheads forward had no choice but to keep the on watch sonar section alive, since they had no clue how to operate the gear. As a result, the majority of the ragheads were stationed in the sonar shack with the watch section at gunpoint, only one raghead was stationed at the water tight door since it really only takes one uneducated raghead to thwart the assembly of skirt wearing nukes. Little did the terrorists know that all they need to do to keep the nukes from coming forward is set some food in the passageway, and announce "commence field day for TRE, all available personnel report to the torpedo room"
So with a majority of the shithead terrorists in sonar, a plan quickly formulated among the sonarmen. They began in depth discussion of the ultimate 3 way, and how much money it would it take for a person to blow their own father on the field at the superbowl halftime show. These invigorating discussions, along with analyzing recorded farts on the BQH-22 drew all the ragheads into the sonar shack..the supervisor tarp strapped the accordion door shut, and at once the entire watch section farted..then each operator and the supervisor all reached under their shirts and produced perfectly aged, relatively damp balls of belly button lint, flicking them accurately under each raghead's nose. Teriq and his comrades all collapsed, and the 19 year E-6 sitting workload share stabbed each of them to death with the knife he had stashed for his planned killing of everyone on board at some point anyway. After time, the terrorists one by one came into sonar to investigate and each one was subdued by fart odor and knife wounds. The sonarmen quickly report back to maneuvering that the terrorists have been taken out, but point out to the nukes that access to control was cut off because the ragheads had damaged the Dertoid hatch access...the nukes, with their limited knowledge of how the "real" part of the ship operated and inability to admit they didn't know what a dertroid hatch was, stayed on their side of the watertight door. The sonarmen sent their token yeoman out front to drive the boat, and they steered for Australia. For the nukes, it was business as usual,coming forward to eat, shower and sleep, they had no idea that the sonarmen were now in control of the boat, since anything in the forward compartment upper level was considered "coner shit"....as the boat was approaching the western coast of australia, the sonarmen asked the nukes to send up "that one cool nuke who does the time/freq plot, and your socially awkward ET3 nub." They strapped the nub in the helmsman chair, and pointed the boat to the southeast, instructing him to stay on this course till someone tells you to turn, and instructed the nukes to make turns for 5 knots. The sonarmen, along with the time/freq nuke, jumped off the boat, and swam to the austrailian shore. 2 weeks later the submarine ran aground in Antarctica....
12/05/2011 7:13 AM
Upon hearing the announcement over the 1MC, "Commence field day for TRE, all available personnel report to the torpedo room" the lights in 9-man went on causing the Corpsman to stir in his rack. Thinking he’ll just stay quiet and all this would pass, the COB remembers one of his duties was to ensure that “all Hands” included the YNs, SKs (he never learned they changed to LS because he was an old DS) and of course, that pro-pay, long-haired, semi-nuke Corpsman. This was one part of his job that he truly loved.
“DOC!” as he yelled cutting the corner just aft of the O2 burner nearing running over the nub A-gang striker. Stepping inside, the COB pulled the curtain aside to find an empty rack. “Where’s that $#%#?” he thought.
Doc had slipped off making his way through aft berthing to the head only to find the damn sign hanging on the door, “In Use.” Remembering they had recently brought on a group of 3rd class female mid-shipmen submarine wannabes onboard he scratched his head contemplating his next move. Not one to be trapped, he knocked on the door and heard a voice in the shower. “Anyone else in there?” Not hearing anything else, he slipped through into fwd berthing . “Ahhhh! The perfect hiding place.” Doc thought as he slipped around the corner near the sonar sphere access…
Meanwhile, one of the baby YNs rolls over in his rack to see Doc pass by. Making his way to the YN shack, he gets redirected from YNC to get him a black-n-bitter… About face, heading south to the crews mess, YNSN gets slammed against the bulkhead by the COB yelling obscenities about all Corpsmen. Upon hearing that the COB was looking for Doc, YNSN remembered Doc laughed hard at him for coming down with the clap at their most recent port call. “COB, I know where Doc is…”
Ratted out during the heat of the takeover, now Doc was in the Coners center of attention. Realizing that he's got all the good drugs to keep either side in check developed an ingenious plan to aerosolize the drugs and passing it through ventilation back to the nukes . But in typical fashion, Doc plays the fence and holds the Coners in check for who can anti up the most money and m&ms.
12/05/2011 8:30 AM
As regular menu choices were announced for each meal up forward, panic set-in aft. Half the nucs were ready to defect by the end of day one.
You just described BOTH my boats as a matter of normal operations. A few choice stew-burner quotes/choices:
"And don't short me fries just because we're in the drive-thru!"
"Why should I put out cereal if the crew is just gonna eat it?"
--Slumgolium (mix of powdered/dehydrated eggs, poker chips (potatoes) and whatever meat or meat-like substance could be found.) Served for the last month of my last Op. Lost 25 lbs that underway.
--Spaghetti sauce made with corned beef hash.
--"Cat turds", "elephant scabs", "horsecock sandwiches", "pillows of death", "baboon's ass"...starting to get the idea?
--ELT buddy of mine on a SSBN/SSN convert (late 80's) was extended on an op. Told of how they ran out of EVERYTHING (including coffee) except flour, yeast, three bean salad, and green bug juice. Confirmed with others on boat in that timeframe.
Really, what would ensure the boat would be taken back over would be the sonar girls finally getting so offended by the smell of their attackers and their refusal to shower. Well, that and A-gang never pumping sanitaries.
Bottom line, any idiot or small group of idiots can plot to take over a boat, but unless everyone has a terrorist shadow, they won't hold the boat for long. It's amazing how quickly stuff can "break", and failing that, screw it--take her to the bottom. We had that discussion one midwatch as well. We figured once if you did away with maneuvering watchstander(s), under the right circumstances one could make the boat go bye-bye in about 30 seconds or less.
12/05/2011 10:46 AM
I walked off the boat for the last time in Dec of 1990. (USS Flying Fish SSN 673). I have to tell you my wife now knows I'm crazy! I don't think I've laughed this hard about this stuff since then. Thanks!
12/05/2011 11:51 AM
[I KNOW that Corpsman! Laughed so hard I farted!]
12/05/2011 1:09 PM
Now hear this…..now hear this…..NHSPARKY is to now be called Negative Ned. That is all. WOW spark you are a true sailor you would bitch about getting a BJ, on day after duty, on payday.
12/05/2011 3:34 PM
The captain steals away to his cabin just as the ruckus begins. The weird room falls silent including the relentless thump emanating from under the dining table. Over the crack of the 1MC comes a slight but familiar voice. It was Joel…but was it? The ghostly voice said: “This is Jamal, call me J-hole for short. Surviving crewmembers in the Engine Room: We have complete control of the ship. Surrender now, and you will live." From forward to aft a streak of fear fell on an almost frightened crew. No one would have suspected J-hole, a portly, ass sucking, meager man who we jokingly call “big bird”. With J-hole on the conn barking seemingly endless and senseless orders, MMCS(SS) Smith who was sitting as dive at the time, reached back and bitch-slapped J-hole, yelling: “Snap out of it you vegetable eating brown bag of shit”. J-hole shook it off, then another slap, then smiled as he escorted Chief Smith down to the goat locker for more slapping action. As they walked out of control, the young nub sitting on the bow plane station says “Hey J-hole, Hey J-hole, want my coke?. J-hole turns back and says Thanks. Hey kid, catch”. As J-hole tossed the nub is most prized poopy suit. At that point, J-hole won over the hearts of the crew and all was forgiven. It seems that was all a joke. J-hole lives today somewhere in the great northwest finding creative ways to embellish his experiences on his blog.
12/05/2011 11:17 PM
Excellent article! Thanks a lot.
12/06/2011 2:58 AM
WOW spark you are a true sailor you would bitch about getting a BJ, on day after duty, on payday.
That's cause your cooking sucks.
When the alternative as a more than happy civilian is never having to stand duty, and getting laid every night for free? Yeah, there are those who say the glass is half full, some who say it's half empty, and I say it's twice as big as it needs to be. Deal.
But bottom line, for the bad guys, bulkhead isolations exist for a reason. And we got the generators, evaporator, MG's, HPAC's, and the hot rock.
12/06/2011 5:36 AM
MM1 (SS) Smith thought fast. He got the thermal imager, went to the lighting panel and opened all the breakers, then waited at the end of the tunnel. His preparation was unnecessary, because five minutes after the lights went out, the crew up forward had the "CIA" quickly isolated and immobilized. The only place where you could see was control, and it had been dark before. A few blasts in the face with the battle lanterns blinded the "CIA", and so they were wrapped up, hog tied, and placed in a torpedo tube like a load of rum after a Puerto Rican Liberty call. A quick JA phone call later and the ship was headed up to ventilate. Luckily the gas had been non-lethal, so all the nukes recovered quickly. Later, when doing torpedo PM's at test depth, somehow the wrong tube was impulsed out into the cold ocean. The crew spent the rest of the voyage chuckling about "water slugs", and the CO was relieved upon return to port. (Duh, because of the crappy job on the torpedo PM!)
12/06/2011 7:06 PM
[I always found it amusing how cones always claimed the nukes know nothing about the forward compartment.
With the exception of the few forward area guys who were smart enough to turn down nuke, the nukes knew much more general knowledge (and some detailed in rate knowledge) than the cones.
Other boats might have stupid nukes, but I highly doubt it. I say it's a large amount of butthurt.]
12/06/2011 8:03 PM
"[I always found it amusing how cones always claimed the nukes know nothing about the forward compartment.
With the exception of the few forward area guys who were smart enough to turn down nuke, the nukes knew much more general knowledge (and some detailed in rate knowledge) than the cones.
Other boats might have stupid nukes, but I highly doubt it. I say it's a large amount of butthurt.]"
Poor bastard, you're so clueless, you don't even appreciate how clueless the other nukes are.
12/07/2011 1:37 PM
A former QM inventorying the flags in the Fan Room immediately shut down all ventilation, the nukes scrammed the reactor and the boat slowly sank as way was lost. The tables were turned as leaders of Jihad had no desire to be martyrs. A sounding had been taken earlier indicating the sea bottom was above TD. Meanwhile an A-ganger got a hold of a wrench and beaned the "CIA" guard on the head and the TM's managed to get to the small arms locker by O country and a shoot out ala "Red October" ensued where all the Jihadists went to hell as the MS's packaged the bodies in former pork wrappings. A fast recovery startup was initiated and the boat continued on its way a little worse for wear. Team work between nukes and coners, no clear winner. How's that for a PC story.
12/07/2011 1:49 PM
[rumors that the lady on boats experiment is not going so well. Might be traffic on high side that has details.
Too tired for U/I's. No U/I's after normal working hours (WTF is that?)....
Anyone got the real scoop and not afraid of getting hammered by the man want to share?]
12/07/2011 6:42 PM
[This could be some good scuttlebutt. I want to hear more. Also @sts2, I don't quite understand what you are getting at by "[i] don't appreciate how clueless the other nukes are." Many of the nukes on my boat were probably smarter than average, or the forward guys dumber than average, so I really am clueless on how other boats may be.
12/07/2011 7:55 PM
["[rumors that the lady on boats experiment is not going so well. Might be traffic on high side that has details.
Too tired for U/I's. No U/I's after normal working hours (WTF is that?)...."
Let's just say after some initial reports, big time gag order put in place. "Too big to fail" used at least once.
Those poor gals, one of them couldn't quit now if she wanted to...too much publicity. Boats aren't for everyone regardless of gender or how smart.
Let's hope lives and/or careers are not ruined by this experiment.]
12/07/2011 8:46 PM
Let's hope lives and/or careers are not ruined by this experiment.
Too late.
12/08/2011 5:42 AM
["one of them couldn't quit now if she wanted to...too much publicity."
Whopps! Guess they didn't read the small print that once you've volunteered in, you can't back out! Hmmm, COB always said to be careful for what you ask for.]
12/08/2011 6:15 AM
[Let's just say after some initial reports, big time gag order put in place. "Too big to fail" used at least once.
This isn't too big to fail...it's too bad of an idea to succeed.
The politico-culprits wearing dolphins and other chest insignia (think crossed-swords...and far too many of those are involved in the process) will no longer be able to hide behind their politica-mamma's skirt when the current administration gets flushed in less than a year's time.
Prediction: At that time we'll see some light brought to the situation, and coincidentally at that point TSSBP. Just like the blog title says.]
12/08/2011 11:15 AM
[Cover-ups generally end badly...particularly for the guilty parties.]
12/08/2011 11:21 AM
So out of curiosity, which boats are said women failing on? My husband's boat will have women on board, but I do not think they are out to sea with them yet.
12/08/2011 2:01 PM
and the other one that is supposed to have women on it just came home earlier this week. According to the Navy, they are not supposed to be reporting until end of November beginning of December, which is now.
I guess the West Coast is ahead of the game as far as training these women? Group 10 should get on the ball then.
12/08/2011 2:29 PM
Erica R., USS Rhode Island was slated to have been one of them, but an interim prediction seems to have quashed those assignments, for the moment.
Some folks who call themselves "green" seem to alternatively ignore or underrate human nature.
12/08/2011 5:02 PM
Erica:
Am surprised to read that you're so quick to assume that it's the women that are failing...not the (ill-advised) idea and system.
Can't help but wonder if the RETENTION RATE and related COST issues already have some revised data for consideration. Time will tell.
BTW, I know that the Duck was personally convinced that this is all "required" by law. When does that "requirement" roll into the SEAL community? Just one bad idea at a time, I suppose?
Whatever. I do wish the boys & girls on the boats the very best in this human-nature-ignoring, retention-rate-ignoring, cost-ignoring, submarine-atmosphere-effects-on-the-fetus ignoring social experiment.
And, let's face it, the very best might be pretttty darn good. Bottoms up!
12/08/2011 6:37 PM
"When does that "requirement" roll into the SEAL community?" - anon @6:37 PM
There may be an even better contradiction in male bastions than the is the elite SEAL community. There is nothing about this military job females cannot do. Nor is it considered Definition: close combat = face-to-face fighting - from which women are banned.
Moreover, with a road speed of 42 mph; crowded like a sub with limited, emergency lavoratory facilities BUT without a submarine's months at a time overnights away. The M1A2's operational range is only 290 miles.
Does anyone else detect a fallacy in such selective applications of the "required by law" premise?
12/08/2011 7:51 PM
Oh, I disagree with how the system and the idea was set up, but I was under the impression that a previous poster said something about women not doing well. I was just asking if they were all ready on the Ohio and the Maine, because I am pretty sure they are not on either of the boats here on the East Coast as of yet.
12/08/2011 8:28 PM
@Vigilis - trust me, nobody in the decision-making loop (except maybe dumbass Democrat politicos) would do anything but mock the ridiculous crap you linked to. You weren't a nuc, were you?
12/08/2011 9:54 PM
The Ohidious has her contingent of females onboard. A Chop LT and 2 nook ensigns. Been there about two weeks. Haven't heard any issues yet.
12/08/2011 10:47 PM
Mark/MM1(SS)
You must not know many lawyers, do you? There is no doubt that women's submarine service will enhance the wealth of lawyers at the expense of taxpayers.
You called "ridiculous crap", Rear Admiral Hugh P. Scott, MC, USN (Ret.) letter to Floyd Spence. Admiral Scott not only has extensive experience in Undersea Medicine, he is privy to details you never knew.
His 12 June 2000 letter, by the way, cites (ten years ahead of time) the reason smoking on subs was curtailed before fertile women were put in sub crews. Seems to me any thinking person would probably have to credit the admiral with equal knowledge of the other fetus-damaging perils he cites (none of which involve radiation hazards).
By the way, next time you have a dental x-ray, ask your dentist if you can skip the lead vest since you are not a pregnant woman. Guess what? Males can thank lawyers for that, too.
12/08/2011 11:22 PM
Mark
You wonder why I call him a conspiracy theorist. I did not even read the ridiculousness that he posted.
Here is my thought. I think that if women were going to be introduced to submarines, then they should have worked out the berthing and head problems onto the submarines that are being built now. This way, money is saved on costly refits.
I also think that if a woman volunteers for sub duty, well any kind of sea duty, but especially sub, then they should sign a contract saying that they will not get pregnant or they will face certain penalties, and they need to be steep. I do not think that will fly because it impedes on reproductive rights, which I am all for, but something like this could teach responsibility rather than stupidity. I do not think pregnancy will be an issue with officers to be truthful.
I used to get pretty frustrated with women who got pregnant to get off the ship, married or not. We all know it happens and I would rather have them gone then not deal with them. How useful would they truly be out to sea?
Gotta get back to the stories. I was kind of enjoying them.
12/09/2011 5:28 AM
[@Erica R.
"I do not think pregnancy will be an issue with officers to be truthful."
The enlisted professionals tjat I've worked with on three boats would not appreciate this comment. Pregnancy isn't an officer vs. enlisted thing but a choice. We could argue timing all day long.]
12/09/2011 6:03 AM
Statistically speaking, Erica is right about the officers being less likely to get pregnant. Just the facts in the surface force.
More on this topic: "Since shore-based assignments for pregnant sailors were extended in 2007, the number of Navy women leaving deploying units to have children rose from 1,770 in June 2006 to 3,125 as of August 1, 2009"
Even more - pregnancy rates, with the squids taking the lead...no-doubt aided by the benefit of close quarters on the looovvve boat:
Army 11.9 percent
Navy 13.4 percent (enlisted only)
USAF 8.1 percent
USMC 8.7 percent (enlisted only)
12/09/2011 7:01 AM
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE POKING MY EYE OUT WITH A DULL PENCIL AFTER READING THIS DRIBBLE. This migrated from a halfway decent entertaining post to the BS about females on the boats. Guess what, who cares. It will be major butt pain for all involved and the interlopers that haven't been there, done that have managed to highjack another thread.
12/09/2011 7:26 AM
I do not mean any disrespect, I am being pragmatic. I was enlisted and I saw more enlisted women pregnant on the aircraft carrier than I did officers. In my four and a half year experience, I only saw one officer on board who was pregnant and she was an O-4. I worked with a great group of women who had the good grace to be responsible. It would have been easy for me to have a "whoops, that was an accident" but I was responsible and had an obligation to
my country as corny as that may sound.
Once again, do no blame me for starting the women discussion. I enjoyed the semi entertaining stories ad well.
12/09/2011 8:08 AM
Anon...dude, it was a joke, a poke at the nukes who are so much "smarter" than anyone else. I was on the louisville in the late 90's, we had a great crew. Our nukes never helped with a single thing forward, and when we were doing real submarine stuff, they had no idea what it meant. Chris Earl ruined our boat, making the nukes really believe that the purpose of the boat was to drive a reactor around in the ocean.
That said, I don't buy the "nukes is smarter" argument at all. There are idiots on both sides of the boat, and plenty of guys in the cone, who did great on the nuke test, but were SMART enough to not sign up for the job. (Half my division when I was on the 724) Of course that's all relative to the individual. Bottom line though, it was a joke, lighten up Francis.
12/09/2011 9:54 AM
[ Back to the story for Christ sake ]
[Dating myself some. . . hope it still applies ]
The NAVETs, realizing they had a stash of a # 10 can of nuts, lifted during stores load, started laying the nuts out in a row. It was kind of like Wile E Coyote does with bird seed for the Road Runner. In Three Stooges fashion, the miscreants started following the trail, picking up the nuts, which led to the Engine Room watertight door. When the watertight door latch was flipped, the differential pressure flung the entire group of assholes through the door and into the engine room, where the nucs beat the shit out of them, took their weapons, and then sodomized them. (It is their nature to sodomize anything that gets into the engine room)
Where did the differential pressure come from - you ask? The NAVETs realized that the 1MC announcement would cause all of the STs and a few FTs to shit themselves, causing a massive methane pressure in the front of the boat. The smell was not noticed as this all occurred at lunchtime - It was assumed it was going to be another shitty meal. That pressure, coupled with the the nucs gasping at the nerve of the terrorists daring to flaunt a handful of nuts in their face, was enough to create a 20 psi differential.
The NAVETs were awarded the Medal of Honor for their ingenuity, bravery, and dedication in dispatching the terrorist and saving the submarine. The STs and FTs had to scrub the forward end of the boat. (you know - the shit thing) and the nucs received their own #10 can of nuts; supplied by the NAVETs the very next stores load.
The end.
12/09/2011 11:27 AM
@Dardar the Submarian: thanks for reminding us just how much 'respect' the enlisted are due. Perfection.
12/09/2011 11:45 AM
The mess cranks, figuring they would have to come to the crews rescue once again, showed their stuff. First, they spiked the lunchtime meal with twice the normal load of habanero sauce, and ensured each of the terrorists got seconds, and even thirds. After about an hour the terrorists would be running to the shitters at which point the mess cranks would EB tape the doors solidly shut (you know, like how to wrap a shit bomb from back aft).
Next they lined up and pressurized the San system, and rigged the system so that any shitter valve opened would get a great big fat shit turd bomb delivered to the operator.
The word quietly spread to the crew to man EABs. Once those [shitter] valves starting opening, the terrrorists really got a face full of coner shit (Nuks only used the "clean" head back aft), and gagged on the turd bombs.
The boat then drove to PD and emergency ventilated the forward compartments. The bodies were thrown overboard, but all the pants were kept and worn by the A-Gangers (no idea why to this day???) on all future patrols.
All the mess cranks were promoted to JOs and the boat never ran better from a leadership perspective.
12/09/2011 12:06 PM
One thing I forgot to add. Those big fat Shit Turd Bombs came from the Chiefs. When I tell you the Goat Locker was full of shit that day, you better believe me...
12/09/2011 12:13 PM
Thank you for returning the thread back to the mindless entertainment we expect when we come here.
Ban the interlopers!
12/09/2011 12:18 PM
Real nuts story. On a boat in the late 70s we managed to snag about 3/4s of the pistachios as they made their way down through control. Once underway we started eating at least one or two cans each watch (they were the smaller cans, not the #10s). After 3 or 4 days I started crapping bright red poop. The first time it happened I thought I was bleeding to death but it wasn't blood. I didn't know it at the time but the watchstander that was helping me devour the nuts was going through the same experience. After a day or so he wasn't looking so good and I asked what was going on with him. He talked about the color of his poop and thinking of going to DOC. As he was talking the red dye from the pistachios was all over each of our fingers. He and I looked at each other and instantly the light bulb went off and we had a wholly crap (literally) moment when we realized what the issue was.
12/09/2011 12:29 PM
The collaborative story theme was a nice idea but it just didn't work here. It might help if someone frame-up the key parts of the story line like Detection, Maneuvering, Close contact, Avoidance, Countermeasures, Casualty, Aftermath. Any takers?
12/09/2011 6:15 PM
"All the mess cranks were promoted to JOs and the boat never ran better from a leadership perspective."
Due to the terms of a lost bet, JOs in the ____ crew prepared and served an enlisted meal with E-7s and above on this boat. Everyone was sworn to secrecy.
What was the boat's name (those who were there), anyone?
12/09/2011 6:20 PM
At the awards ceremony following the heroic efforts of the crew to save the boat, the CO received a Silver Star even though he had authorized the terrorists to come on board. The XO received the Legion of Merit because he ensured all the paperwork documenting the event was of the highest quality, including an awesome Powerpoint presentation. The OOD on watch received a Navy COM as well as the COB just because. The EOOW got a NAM because this was almost as big a deal as making coherent 2MC announcements during ORSE drill scenarios. The guys who actually subdued the terrorists got Admiral letters because they deserved the points toward advancement; except the nukes and A gang, who deserved and received nothing, because they were just doing their jobs. Oh the cooks, CHOP, and Corpsman all got NAMs for putting out a healthy, awesome spread that single-handedly ensured everybody was fed. The senior member of the investigative committee said those were the best chocolate chip cookies he had ever eaten. Little did they know that the A-ganger assigned as a crank had added some special sauce to the cookie dough since he actually made the cookies while the cooks, CHOP, and Corpsman played Madden 07.
12/10/2011 5:02 AM
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