Since When Is Drug-Screening Urinalysis a Joking Matter?
Ever since AFSpaceVet over at Patriot Voices posted his nineteen "Ways to Assume Yourself During Urinalysis". A few of my favorites:
1. Ask your observer if he wants to race.
2. Wear a diaper.
3. Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything except antibacterial soap.
18. If your test is early in the day, complain adamantly about morning wood, and request that your observer hold the cup while you assume the "flying superman" position over the urinal.
19. Wear a condom.
Since he talks about nurses being a part of the procedure, I'm assuming the Air Force does drug screening urinalyses at the base hospital, instead of the way the Navy does (with your buddies being forced to stare at your "business"...)
Going deep...
posted by Bubblehead at 9:05 AM
5 Comments:
Hi there neighbor. Strange post to comment on. No comment on post - just Hi. This site was added to the "Military Tab" at Wordpark.com. Somehow he found me and added me to his "link exchange." You've probably been there and there's a "ton" of "sub" links there!
6/08/2005 1:48 PM
Hi Chrys! Yes, this is a strange post, but then again it's a strange subject. I went over to your web site (I'd actually seen it before) and explored a little more, and liked it a lot.
6/08/2005 2:04 PM
Ha Ha! I have to agree it is unusual humor. My humor has always been a little warped. We do have the "monitors" or "observers" (as stated) that make sure you are doing your business in the cup. The reference to a nurse, is most likely the med tech or whoever has been assigned the duty. We've done the urinalysis in the base theater bathrooms, and medical facilities. Basically anywhere they could gather a large group of people. In anycase, it's light humor for what always seemed to be an uncomfortable situation for most. Every once in a while you have to poke a little fun at even your own in the military. All the best to everyone.
6/08/2005 2:32 PM
I like the humor but monitoring was a royal pain. I hated to be the Pi@@ Test Monitor but on my boats it always fell on the Chiefs Community to get it done as it was to demeaning for a college grad O-Ganger to observe. The only time I ever saw an officer do it was when we had this Ensign who was a real pain in the ass and the XO made him do it for one time to give him a taste of his own medicine. The collection would often take all day and then getting to Balboa to drop off the stuff was a royal pain because there was never anywhere to park over there.
I fully supported the drug testing. I got on my first boat in March of 1976 and it was during the Zumwalt era. It was not unusual to walk into Machinery 1 and see a couple of guys smoking a joint and blowing it into the intake of the Scrubber. We had one nuke MM who had a bowl going while he was doing his rounds in the Engine Room. Nobody reported it because the punishment was minimal. It was a very dangerous time and getting busted meant the division had operate a man short and the worst that would happen to the doper was that he was transferred to a Skimmer. Wow, hurt me, leaving an M-Div with 8 men and going to a Skimmer division with 38. We had on ELT got busted in Guam walking across the quarterdeck of the tender. He got busted down a rank and stationed on the tender where he was such a stellar performer that they put him in charge of sail boat rentals on the bay for his last two years of service. I know the surface navy loved getting our sailors.
After I made Chief in 1987, I was over in Norfolk and I saw one TM3 from my second boat. He had gotten busted in 1981 in the initial drug sweeps when the Navy was getting serious about the drug tests. I was talking to him because I had seen him smoking the dope that he got busted for and how did he get back in the Navy and as a FT1? His was one of the first batches taken and they could not prove custody control of the samples. The Navy had to reinstate him in the rate he wanted, advance him in rank and reimburse him for all lost pay(sub, BAQ, BAS, etc.) All he had to do was complete four more years. I was amazed.
I’m happy those days are gone. I’m sure the stuff is still out there but the strides the Navy took in the 80’s really paid off.
That Damn Good Looking Aganger From Iowa
6/08/2005 4:49 PM
Good 'ol sick submarine humor at work...last time I had to "give at the office", a fellow submariner (an A-Gang Chief) was my "dick watcher".
Of course, snappy comments always help in these instances, right? Keep in mind this is a shore command, so when we go out to the "reception area" with the bottle (full) there are more than just sub guys there.
My comment to the MMC was something like "was it as good for you as it was for me?"
His comeback, without missing a beat (but much to the "shock" of the non-fish wearers) was "hold me..."
6/09/2005 2:02 AM
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