Speaking of Dolphins...

This Fox News article reports that dolphins have been observed using tools, and passing on this teaching to their young. This reminded me of an old "article" from The Onion (which requires membership now) that has been re-printed here. (The pictures from The Onion article are here.) Excerpt (bad word warning):

"In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.
"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy shit,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."
..."It is unknown what precipitated the dolphins' sudden development of opposable thumbs. Some dolphin behaviorists believe that the gentle marine mammal, pushed to the brink by humanity's reckless pollution and exploitation of the sea, tapped into some previously unmined mental powers to spontaneously generate a thumb-like appendage. However, given that 95 percent of the world's dolphin experts have committed suicide since learning of the development, the full story may never be known.
"You must believe, sleek ocean masters, that many of us homo sapiens weep with shame and disgust over the degradation to which our species has subjected our All-Mother, the Great World-Sea," read the suicide note of Dr. Richard Morse, a Brisbane, Australia, delphinologist and regular contributor to Marine Mammal Science. "If you are reading this, I estimate that it is the day we know as August 31, 2000. Please be decent and kind masters to our poor ape-race. Oh, God, I'm so sorry about the tracking collars."

Luckily, I'm sure our new Dolphin Overlords will take pity on the Brothers of the 'Phin; hopefully, they'll not realize that on U.S. submariners "dolphins" are a pair of dolphinfish, as opposed to the actual dolphins of many other countries (and that they'll forgive those of us who own the infamous "bush dolphins"; and also forgive those who point out that ordering information for those is located halfway down this page).

Going deep...