The Sea Is Full Of Danger...
Over at Rontini's BBS, a poster put up a one of the classics from the SubmarineSailor.com humor page that I thought was a perfect ice-breaker for a lazy October Sunday morning:
THE TEN MOST DANGEROUS THINGS ON A SUBMARINE
10. An A-ganger who can actually read.
9. A mechanic with anything electrical.
8. The 3" launcher and anything that goes in it.
7. The COB ('nuff said).
6. Any time a LT says, "I was just thinking..."
5. An Ensign who says, "Based on my experience....."
4. Any of the unenlightened group known as non-quals.
3. A Sonar Supe who says, "Trust me, it's biologics."
2. A skinny MS
1. Anybody saying, "Hey, watch this s*** !"
The list is a little outdated (MS's are now "Culinary Specialists" and the new boats have bigger launchers). To this list, I would add "An officer with a tool" -- this was always the thing that scared me the most. Anyway, feel free to add your own in the comments, or submit your favorite adjective used to describe the aforementioned non-quals (e.g. "air-breathing", "rack-taking", "scrubber loading", etc.).
Update 0945 09 Oct: Here's another great quote from the humor page:
OOD, at PD in sea state 1: "Dive, Mark your depth! Belay that, I'll get it off the rudder!"
It reminded me of the smart-ass litany I used to use on any "wandering helmsman":
Me: "Helm, mark your head."
Helm: "Ship's head is xxx."
Me; "Helm, mark ordered course."
Helm: "Ordered course is yyy." (where yyy ≠ xxx by quite a bit)
Me: "Helm... mind your helm."