A Father's Responsibilities

One of the most important responsibilities a father has, and one that I've been happy to shoulder, is the need to teach one's sons the secrets of the "Guy Code". For those persons of gender out there who might not know what that is, the "Guy Code" consists of the unwritten rules of conduct by which guys are expected to interact with each other.

One of the best examples of the wisdom that is passed on from generation to generation of guys is "restroom etiquette". Dave Barry is the primary source for the most important aspect of this behavior -- urinal selection and use. Here's a quick synopsis of what I've passed on to my sons previously on this subject:

1) Never, if you can help it, choose a urinal next to one that's already occupied (leave a "buffer urinal" between users).
2) If there are no unbuffered urinals, use a stall.
3) If all the stalls are occupied, you may go to an unbuffered urinal, but must stare straight ahead at all times.
4) If all urinals and stalls are occupied, avoid the temptation to use the sinks, unless halftime's almost over.

Those are just the basics. This week, I've been teaching my sons the art of "urinal conversation". Among adult males, this rarely happens, but I know that teenagers sometimes can't suppress the urge to make jokes while peeing. Here are the required responses to common conversational situations I taught my sons:

1) If your friend uses the old classic "Hey, the water's cold today", you are required to respond, "And deep, too".
2) If you've been forced to use the "kiddie" urinal in accordance with the rules above, expect to take abuse. If someone gives you crap, the approved comeback is: "Yeah, I'm using the kiddie urinal, but it's nice not having my crank hanging in the water once in a while. {Pause} What, you don't have that problem?"
3) If the initial insulter in Scenario (2) above looks over at you in an attempt to confirm your boast, you are required to call him a "meatgazer".
4) If two friends are using the urinal, and notice that someone is in one of the stalls, it is appropriate to start moaning in pain and cursing loudly while urinating while saying things like, "Jeez, it burns" and such in an attempt to make the captive listener think you have gonorrhea.

Personal Note: In the sample "Guy Code" I linked to above, I have to take issue with #23: "If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay." IMHO, it is appropriate to join in the singing, but only to take the back-up singer parts.