Keeping the blogosphere posted on the goings on of the world of submarines since late 2004... and mocking and belittling general foolishness wherever it may be found. Idaho's first and foremost submarine blog. (If you don't like something on this blog, please E-mail me; don't call me at home.)

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

New U.S. Ship Naming Guidelines Announced

In a move long expected, the Secretary of the Navy today announced that the process for determining the names of Navy ships will "finally enter the 21st century":
"In these days of tighter budgets, all government agencies must find creative ways to raise money for operating funds. As a result, I have today directed that naming rights for future naval vessels will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.
"This does not mean we won't continue to honor our heritage. Traditionally, names of all ships within a class have been related. Therefore, naming rights for follow-on Ford-class carriers will be limited to automobile manufacturers. I expect to announce the official naming of USS General Motors (CVN 79) within the next week.
"Bidders for naming rights to major surface ships will be limited to companies listed on the Fortune 500. The second Zumwalt-class destroyer will be christened USS Microsoft (DDG 1001). Amphibious ships will be named for foreign countries; each winning bid comes with a guarantee that the ship will not be used to invade its namesake.
"In another return to tradition, submarines following USS Mississippi (SSN 782) will be named after fish... restaurants. The keel for USS Long John Silver (SNN 783) will be laid early next year."
What a way to start a new month...

Update 03 April 2008: In addition to these changes in the way we name boats, SubSim reported the same day on changes coming in the manning (or, in this case, wo-manning) of submarines.

Update 1758 04 April: The Russians must use a different calendar; their April Fool's press release came out three days late:
MOSCOW, April 4 (RIA Novosti) - Russia will put its first Borey-class strategic nuclear submarine through sea trials in the second half of 2008, the Russian Navy commander said on Friday.
The fourth generation Yury Dolgoruky was built at the Sevmash plant in the northern Arkhangelsk Region and was taken out of dry dock last April. It will be equipped with Bulava ballistic missiles upgraded from Topol-M (SS-27) missiles.
"The Yury Dolgoruky will go to sea in July. If not in July, then in October or November," Adm. Vladimir Vysotsky said.
Ha ha! Those Russian Admirals, always going on with their jokes and quips...

18 Comments:

Anonymous Papaya Mom said...

Happy April Fool's Day to you too :)

4/01/2008 1:14 AM

 
Blogger Rob said...

Good one...like corporate sponsors for military harware (http://www.fraudfactor.com/images/humor/ffmilitaryfunding.jpg)

4/01/2008 3:24 AM

 
Blogger Rob said...

Sorry, http://tinyurl.com/ypchkk

Long URL before didn't paste well...

4/01/2008 3:25 AM

 
Anonymous Fast Nav said...

screw you guys, this is REAL!!!

I'm holding out for a tour on the USS DAIHATSU!

4/01/2008 5:45 AM

 
Blogger Brian said...

Is the USS Microsoft 50% more likely to crash?

4/01/2008 8:15 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On the USS Microsoft, you'd have to click on a start button to initiate a shitdown.

CTRL-ALT-Delete would be for a down and up.

4/01/2008 8:42 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's good for (the) General Motors is good for America!

4/01/2008 8:49 AM

 
Anonymous Mike47 said...

Hey! How about a naming contest?

U.S.S. Global Warming : Scrapped after failing to perform as expected.

U.S.S. Stock Market : Project shelved; too many unpredictable dives.

U.S.S. Hillary : Sank before commissioned.

4/01/2008 9:10 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

USS Microsoft...SSN95? SSN98? SSNXP?.....no! SSNVista!

4/01/2008 9:24 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

USS Microsoft - with Rickover's body embedded in the shaft so he's continuously rolling in his grave, so to speak.

4/01/2008 10:51 AM

 
Blogger J120 Bowman said...

USS Red Lobster (SSN-$19.95)

USS Venezuela (LSD-$4.00/gallon)

USS Haliburton (DDG-$1B Contract)

USS General Electric (DDGE)

The possibilities are endless!!!

4/01/2008 11:05 AM

 
Anonymous sonarrnan said...

I'd feel sorry for the guys serving on the USS Bangkok...

That, and the USS Bum Fuq...

But, hey, the possibilities are endless, such as household products. You might see a USS Rubbermaid, or USS Stay-Free Mini-s with Wings, or a USS Preparation H, or...

4/01/2008 11:11 AM

 
Blogger Anna said...

Medical ships will no longer be named such as Comfort and Hope, but wil be sponsored by drug companies for their products.

USS Viagra being the lead ship in the new class.

4/01/2008 12:08 PM

 
Blogger Nereus said...

Ohh Fun,
Let's see,

USS Microsoft (always in the yard's due to updates and the next Operating System)

USS Walmart (developed by the lowest bidder OOPPS.. Already doing that.. just naming them after states and cities)

USS Dorito (For some reason the Former Fiest Bowl in AZ comes to mind and it was renamed the "Tostido Bowl after a chip. So a Boat needs to be named after a chip.. Better than the USS Frito)

THe fun could go on and on....

4/01/2008 2:00 PM

 
Anonymous Tucker said...

US Navy Mans Two Nuclear Subs with Women

http://www.subsim.com/new_york_times_sub_article.htm

4/01/2008 9:45 PM

 
Anonymous Steeljaw Scribe said...

...and here I thought the next CVN in line after the Ford would be named the Fusion in recognition of the late Art Cebrowski and Networkcentric warfare...
- SJS

4/02/2008 9:25 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.halyburton.navy.mil/site%20pages/history.aspx

News articles have the spelling incorrect! This vessel is named for a WWII Medal of Honor winner.

4/09/2009 9:38 PM

 
Anonymous Salome said...

The guy is totally just, and there is no skepticism.

9/01/2012 5:48 AM

 

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