An Oldie But A Goodie
Saw this over at Rontini's BBS today, and got a few chuckles... It's more for skimmers, and it's been around quite a while, but it remains one of the classics:
Twenty Ways to Simulate Being a Sailor:
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
8. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
9. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
10. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about three hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say, "Sorry, wrong rack."
11. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
12. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 a.m. while she reads it to you.
13. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
14. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
15. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
16. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
17. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
18. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
19. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
20. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.