Keeping the blogosphere posted on the goings on of the world of submarines since late 2004... and mocking and belittling general foolishness wherever it may be found. Idaho's first and foremost submarine blog. (If you don't like something on this blog, please E-mail me; don't call me at home.)

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Why I Don't Cook Much

SubBasket made a wonderful crock-pot pot roast today; when it came time to get out the gravy, though, we found that we didn't have the "store-bought" variety that the boys normally like. No problem, I said: I could make the gravy! It didn't matter that I hadn't ever made gravy (other than stirring gravies that others had made) -- it couldn't be that tough.

So, being the 21st century guy that I am, I went on the 'net looking for a quick beef gravy recipe; here's what I found. Advertised to take only five minutes, and so simple that even I couldn't screw it up:

1/2 cup au jus
1 cup water
4 Tbls. flour
1/4 tsp. pepper
salt to taste
Bring the juice from meat and half of the water to a boil. Stir flour into the other half cup of water until the lumps are gone. Add salt and pepper to boiling mixture. Then, while still stirring slowly pour in the flour and water mixture.The gravy should thicken immediately.

I knew our boys liked gravy, and I easily got 2 cups of au jus from the crock pot, so I just multiplied the recipe by 4. (Had to go on-line again to figure out how much 16 tablespoons is; turns out that it's a cup.)

Just like the recipe said, the gravy thickened really easily -- maybe too easily:

Well, thick gravy is OK; and, it wasn't too lumpy, so I figured it might taste alright. Then we tried it. It turns out that the recipe seems to have been put on the Internet as a prank; some of the reviews included:

"It tastes like paste": DeepDiver
"What spawn of Satan cooked this?": Istand1337
"It was a good try, honey": SubBasket

I've always been jealous of those guys like bothenook who can cook; it's just not part of who I am, I guess. I still make some pretty good "tuna casserole", though. (Boil egg noodles; drain. Add 2 cans Cream of Mushroom soup, 3 cans drained tuna, and some milk. Stir.)

Going deep...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

the "perispoon" was a nice touch

12/12/2005 12:49 AM

Blogger ninme said...

Now, I've never made gravy, but thinking logically, I would have put some butter in a pan, melted till foamed, then added the flour and waited for it to flower, then added the au jus, stirring quickly. That way there wouldn't have been the possibility of lumps. Then salted and peppered liberally. Four tablespoons of flour is insane. For 2 cups of au jus, you'd need maybe two, but only if you like it really thick, and I'd have skipped the water entirely.

12/12/2005 1:39 PM

Blogger half said...

Looks like it would make a tasty spread tho.

12/12/2005 3:11 PM

Blogger Bubblehead said...

Actually, I used 4 x 4, or 16 tablespoons of flour; I guess that was really too much.

12/12/2005 5:29 PM

Blogger ninme said...

Well right, that's my point. You could have made a Nativity Scene for the mantelpiece out of what you made, most likely.

12/12/2005 6:17 PM

Anonymous Rachelrolen said...

What you really made was for all intense purposes a Roux...which is used to thicken sauces and gravies.
Would have been a little more work to make it but not a whole lot. Food network has a cpl of good recipes for pan gravies. I only know this thanks to my mom giving me my step dad's 30 yr old Betty Crocker cooking for two cook book. Wishful thinking on her part.

12/12/2005 8:16 PM

Blogger ninme said...

I have a Joy of Cooking from 1952. Never use it, but it's fun to look at. Flea market find.

Fanny Farmer is my stand-in-mother-of-choice.

12/12/2005 11:28 PM

Blogger Bubblehead said...

Rachel -- I looked up roux, but based on the taste of my concoction, I think it was more accurately described as merde.

12/13/2005 7:22 PM

Blogger rachelrolen said...

No offense but it kinda looked like it as well....

12/14/2005 9:33 AM

Anonymous bubblehead's mom said...

Did I ever try to teach you to cook? I cannot recall, but it is doubtful given that you were a male child in the 70s. The original recipe you published looked like it would have made very good gravy. I believe the lesson from all this would be that successful cooking defies logic.

12/15/2005 9:01 AM

Blogger Bubblehead said...

I learned how to make soup growing up... and some instant foods. (Sometime I'll have to post about the "mouse-turd" soup I made for me and my Dad when Mom was at the hospital after having my sister.)

12/15/2005 11:03 PM

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