Satan Flexes His Political Muscle
Regular readers of this blog know that I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I always look for logical explanations for events, and have found that if I apply Occam's and Hanlon's Razors, I can usually get to the truth of the matter. That's why I'm kind of surprised at myself for the conclusions I've reached about the results of this week's Nebraska Republican gubernatorial primary.
The race matched the sitting governor, who took over when when elected Governor was picked to be Secretary of Agriculture, against a living legend, Tom Osborne. It should have been no contest -- the sitting governor, Dave Heineman, may have done a good job as Governor, but he never won 255 games as a coach. I mean, seriously, Osborne went 60-3 in his last five seasons; there's no way he could lose an election in Nebraska! And yet he did.
So, armed with this inpenetrable logic, I needed to figure out how Osborne could lose -- especially since the main region he lost was his own Congressional district, where he'd never gotten less than 82% of the vote. Some say it was because he took controversial positions on two major education issues. Another possible explanation comes from my exclusive correspondence with M. Kennedy, noted Nebraska political observer (Hi, Mom!):
"He looked older than his age (he will be 70 next February) but argued that point with the fact that Ronald Reagan was that age when he became President. You wanted to say, "Tom, you are no Ronald Reagan" to that one. He does not look healthy."
Those explanations might be right, but they still don't convince me. This leaves me with only two possible explanations: Rovian Mind Control Rays, or Satanic influence. I needed to figure out who would benefit most by altering the election results. Karl Rove doesn't seem like he'd have anything to gain -- Osborne has always been a strong supporter of the President. That leaves Satan. Satan, as long-time readers know, is currently on Earth in the guise of the Athletic Director at the University of Nebraska (I discussed this alarming development here, here, and here). I'm convinced that he knew that Osborne, had he been elected Governor, would have taken steps to remove the man who single-handedly made Nebraska move from the power running option game to a "passing" offense. Therefore, he put forth all his unholy power to defeat the One who could stop him. Now that Osborne has been vanquished, who can stand in his way?
The world wonders...