Fun With Official Biographies

I was going through some of my old Navy paperwork tonight and I ran across a "joke" biography I had written a few years ago. You've probably seen the official Navy biographies -- they're very dry. They list commissioning source, all the jobs the person has had, their awards, and (something that always torqued SubBasket) say they are married to "the former (name)". ("They're not a 'former' person", SubBasket would scream.) When you get senior enough, your command will make you have one on file. Here's part of the "biography" I wrote in an attempt to improve the genre:

"LCDR Bubblehead was raised at the Nebraska State Reform School, and received a BA in Brothel Operations from Joe's Beauty College in 1988; he was commissioned via subterfuge. His sea assignments included Assistant IC Division Officer aboard USS Two-pieces from 1990-93 and Food Service Attendant Officer aboard USS Connectthedots from 1996-1999. Shore assignments included Spherical Recreational Control Officer and Wardroom Fund Custodian in Adak, Alaska, followed by a brief TAD assignment to the U.S. Penitentiary in Leavenworth, KS. He was promoted to his current rank in 1999, although he started impersonating a LCDR several years earlier.

"LCDR Bubblehead's personal awards include two Department Head yellow stickies and forfeiture of half month's pay for 2 months. He is married to the former Natalia Ivanova, of Moscow, RS, and possibly also some cocktail waitress, of Las Vegas, NV."

The XO made me re-write it.

This got me thinking of a "first draft" of a fitrep I wrote for my EDMC that I think he enjoyed. It started: "Displaying the girth of a #10 can, Master Chief _____ has drunk more beer, puked more blood, and banged more qu** than the rest of SubLant put together." It went downhill from there.

I think we Navy types take the Fitrep system way too seriously, and should follow the more honest practices of our British colleagues. It'd certainly make 'ranking board' time a lot more fun...